Walking With You ~ Bereavement Support

Walking With You is Moving Soon

2011-09-05T05:40:00.000-07:00

Walking With You was originally an outreach on the Sufficient Grace Blog, and then I separated the two for design purposes. I'm afraid it may have been a bit confusing and we lost some readership in the process. So, I am merging the two again. It will be a bit before the entire process is complete, but if you are a follower on this blog, and do not want to miss out on future WWY posts, please follow me here: Sufficient Grace. We will also provide a link that includes only Walking With You posts on various subjects for grieving moms for your convenience.

God Bless,

Kelly

Put it Away

2011-08-09T07:08:00.000-07:00

Over the years, and even most recently, I have heard many of you share that your family and friends were less than supportive of your grief over the loss of your child. We posted on some of the original Walking With You posts about this subject. There are many reasons: maybe they are struggling with their own grief and have difficulty expressing it, or maybe they are uncomfortable and just do not know the right words. Unfortunately that leads many to just act like they don't care, fail to even acknowledge our children, avoid the subject or even avoid us, or worse...speak words that add to the hurt.

I posted a bit about it here:

The Things People Say

Supporting a Grieving Mom

But, for this post, I would like to focus instead on how we can cope with their reactions or lack thereof. While it has been many years since we said good-bye to our Faith, Grace, and Thomas, reading your struggles has made the sting of our family's reaction fresh on my heart this morning. And, before this launches into a finger-pointing, hurt-wallowing session, let me just say that while the memories still come with a sting, I have forgiven those hurts. I now realize that they were doing the best they could. Even if some of them reacted in ways that were hurtful to us, it was done out of lack of knowledge more than malice. God provided support for us in other ways. Over the years, I have learned to lay down my expectations for family. And, sometimes I have had to re-learn this again and again as new hurts arise. Sometimes love requires laying it all down.

That being said, I realize for many of you, the wounds are too fresh for full healing...the hurt still too intense for relief. It may surprise you to know that I didn't know that I could publicly embrace the memory of my children in the early years of grief. I often felt compelled to put my feelings away to spare the discomfort of others. Sometimes I didn't want to see the expression on their faces as their eyes shifted down and they squirmed uncomfortably when I shared about my children in heaven. I didn't want to seem like the weird mother who thinks she needs to keep bringing up her dead babies, making everyone around me uncomfortable. Yeah...I know....the initial lack of openness seems pretty crazy considering God has placed a passion in my heart to serve in a ministry that honors the lives of these sweet little ones.

People gave us some ornaments the first year to honor the memory of Faith and Grace, and it seemed at first that many friends reached out. The same month they were born still, another set of twin girls was born in our family. To comfort herself, and because she was genuinely excited about filling her own arms with these grandbabies, my mother threw herself into spending time with them. She had no idea that it felt like a punch in the gut to me when I walked into her house and saw two identical baby girl dresses slung across the chair. She had no idea that I went into the other room and cried, feeling sick when I saw their pictures on her refrigerator. Not that she shouldn't have been embracing the gift of their lives...certainly for them, it was a time to rejoice. But, for me...it was agony. What made it harder is that I could never have shared that with my mom. I don't share this often, because in many ways, my mother was a great support to me in my life. But, there were things about grief she didn't get.

My mother expected me to put my grief away after a time. When a friend of mine had her baby shortly after I lost my girls, mom said: "I know what will make you feel better. We'll go to the baby department and pick up a new outfit and visit your friend."

So, she drug my grief-weary self to the baby department (a place that still brings a twinge of pain to this day), while my wounds were still gaping, and to add insult to injury...a trip to visit my friend's brand new baby...in the hospital. She even made me hold him. It was all I could do to keep the sobs in until I reached the elevator. She looked disappointed by my tears. As if she thought forcing myself to visit the OB floor and hold someone else's baby would magically make me all better.

Other family members said hurtful things, ignored us, never mentioned our children, looked uncomfortable if I did. And, still sometimes look uncomfortable, even now that we have a public ministry.

And, for years...I put it all away. Stuffing it far down. Hiding my hurt. Keeping the memories and longing to myself. Failing to mention my precious babies. I put it away because it was expected....and because I didn't want to draw attention or make others uncomfortable. It's shameful, really, but I also understand that it's hard to defend yourself in early grief. It's hard to know what you need. It's hard to take the next breath.

Here are a few ideas for survival in those early years:

You may not be strong enough to defend yourself, so find someone who loves you that is able to deflect hurtful comments and situations.

Know what triggers hurt for you, and do what is necessary to protect yourself. We cannot keep ourselves from every hurtful situation, but when we can it's more than o.k. to do so. If the baby shower is going to be too hard to attend, graciously decline.

Take time as a couple...allow laughter when you can.

Find someone who gets it. This blogging community has been so helpful...even years later...for me and for many others. It helps to know we aren't walking alone. And it helps to know in the early days of grief, that you will not feel this way forever. You will feel joy again.

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Have you ever felt you had to hide your grief and put away all your memories? What are some of the things you found helpful in dealing with others who didn't get it?

Evangeline

2011-07-08T03:50:00.001-07:00

Evangeline Joy (daughter of Katie and Josh) was born on June 26, 2011. Please click over to read of the precious time her family was blessed to spend with her. Also, please show Katie your love and support, and let her know we are praying for her. Thank you for your prayers...and for all who took time to leave an encouraging comment for this family when we introduced Katie a couple weeks ago. May we continue to encourage them now, as they grieve the loss of their precious baby girl.

He has sent Me (Jesus) to bind up the brokenhearted...To comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion-To bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. - Isaiah 61:1b-3

Please Show Some WWY Love to Katie, Mommy to Evangeline Joy

2011-06-22T06:22:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe it has been so long since we've had a Walking With You post! I have been praying about where to go from here, and considering doing some changing around with my blog/website. Perhaps we will start another Walking With You segment where we tell our stories like we did in the beginning. There are many new mothers out there...and some veterans to this grief walk. I think we could be a support and encouragement to one another. That is what we are called to do after all...to offer comfort and hope to those who are hurting...the same comfort and hope that we received from God in our time of need. (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

On that note, I want to ask you a favor. The cousin of a dear friend of mine is awaiting the arrival of her precious baby girl, Evangeline Joy. Evangeline has been diagnosed with Potters Syndrome (the same ailment that our Thomas had). Evangeline's beautiful mother, Katie, just started a blog to share her journey. Would you join us in welcoming Katie to blog world and let her know that you are willing to walk with her and pray with her...to encourage her and let her know she doesn't walk alone? I'm not sure how many of you there are out there. But, I would love to see her blog flooded with comments. It will only take a few minutes of your time, and it will be a great blessing to this sweet mama.

And...I'd love to hear how all of you are doing in the comments. Let me know...still thinking of and praying for you ladies.

Walking the Walk...

2011-02-26T04:57:00.000-08:00

When we were led to form Sufficient Grace Ministries in 2004, I had reached a place of restoration. God had spent eight years healing my grief...carrying me. He still carries me, but my wounds were not so fresh in 2004. I was able to begin to start reaching out, offering comfort and hope to others. And, He led me to do so...drew me, pushed me, stretched me, and equipped me every step of the way.

But, in 2006, my mother breathed her last breath.

My foundation was shaken. It's a foundation built on Solid Rock, so it did not crumble or break. But, I shook under the weight of the blow. I've shared before how difficult it was for me to watch her suffer and slip away, and how agonizing it has been to ache for her these four years. I am still healing. God is still faithful.

After she passed, I felt what I have referred to over the years as an Ecclesiastes moment (those moments in life where we wonder "what is the point...everything is in vain"). I felt like a hypocrite offering hope to grieving mothers, while I wept on my face every night, begging Jesus to help me see. I only shared those feelings with my pastor and a couple close friends. But, when my grief was fresh and the pain so great, I didn't want to get up and speak pretty words about the hope we have. It seemed so trite, so inconsequential to reach out with small gestures of comfort and hope in the face of such terrible pain. I still believed God's promises, knew they were true...but in those moments all I felt was the pain. In the midst of that great sorrow, I wondered about the purpose of our ministry. Could we really even do anything to make a drop in the bucket to comfort hearts that hurt this much...brokenness that feels this broken? My words tied up in a neat bow seemed to paint a different picture than all the ugly we had to walk through to come to that point of grace and healing.

But, I did keep writing and speaking of the hope we have in Him during that time. As I said the words, my heart remembered the truth of those words. And, they didn't seem so trite. After all, our God is bigger than the greatest canyon of sorrow.

This morning, I am here again...in this place of great sorrow and loss...fresh, raw grief. I just watched one of my closest friends, my second mother, my mentor...a woman who has walked and prayed with me through my marriage, sat beside me at the grave of my babies, wept with me as I missed my mother, laughed with me, and loved me as one of her own...die the same way my mother did. Monday, I will sing at her funeral about His amazing grace, while Tim plays his guitar. My beautiful, larger than life, snarky sweet, horse-loving, dog-loving friend.

I know she is laughing and having a big time in heaven with her beautiful, sassy mama and probably my mom and babies, too. I know she is free from cancer, and the images of her suffering still fresh in our minds are forever erased from hers.

In this moment, I will continue to proclaim His grace and the hope we have in Him...knowing that it's true...knowing that those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. I've both sowed and reaped again and again. But, I also want to give a full, honest picture...because I know there are others on their faces weeping...asking Jesus to help them see...torn and weary. What it really looks like to cling desperately to the hem of His garment cannot be wrapped up in pretty words. It is a gut-wrenching sight...the faith that clings from desperation. I'm going to share what fresh grief is like for a moment as I'm in that place right now. The purpose? Not for pity or to wallow in the sorrow (for we have great hope), but to be honest...to be honest and so that you who are walking this beautiful-ugly path will know you are not alone. Please know, there is a blessed assurance, an undercurrent of steadfast truth girded at my waist, even in the brokenness. I know He will carry all those who grieve the loss of our sweet Dinah, just as He has faithfully carried us through every other good-bye.

But, what it feels like...

Waves of sorrow
Weeping that comes from the depths and heaves the body with it's force
Aching, missing, agony....
Heaviness
Migraines
Nausea
Poured out and exhausted
Grateful...for the precious gift of life...for the faith of those who go before us
Joy and laughter remembering a life well lived
Tears mixed in

What it looks like...

On our face in the wee hours of the morning, in the middle of the night...
Sleepless
Dreams we'd rather not dream
Consciously reminding ourselves that He has already had victory over death...even as we feel the sting of it brushing close
Tear stains on bible pages
Prayers that hurt too much to grace lips...but moan out in cries that cannot be uttered.
Clinging and letting go...

Please pray for Dinah's beautiful family and for all the people missing her...and clinging to Him.
And, please pray that His grace will fill us, carry us, and meet us there as we honor her beautiful life the next couple days...and beyond.

A Gift of Time and Perinatal Hospice

2011-02-02T15:14:00.000-08:00

I wrote a post on the Sufficient Grace blog about the new book by Amy Kuebelbeck and Deborah Davis called A Gift of Time. There is also a giveaway and more information about perinatal hospice support for families facing a fatal or poor pregnancy diagnosis. Please click here to read about this wonderful book I had the privilege of contributing our family's story to, and read more about the amazing work of perinatal hospice.

Beauty from Ashes ~ Grief's Extraordinary Journey

2011-01-09T14:02:00.000-08:00

This is a post from the early days of The Beauty of Sufficient Grace blog on the subject of grief. I thought it may be helpful to those who are new to grief, and wanted to share it here....

The following text was originally published in The Women's Edge Newsletter by Sufficient Grace Ministries for Women, Inc. and written by Kelly Gerken.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted...To comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion-To bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. - Isaiah 61:1b-3

As Christians, we have the peace of knowing that because Jesus Christ died on the cross for our sins, and rose again, that we will never taste death. We will have eternal life in heaven with Him. What a blessed assurance! Unfortunately, we still live in a world that faces death and loss everyday. And, although there is the wonderful promise of heaven, those of us who remain on this Earth still must grieve the losses of those we love (even if we are just separated for a short time.).

There are stages of grief that most people go through: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Others describe numbness, disorganization, and reorganization. Each individual is unique in their grief . A variety of responses are "normal" and can be expected, such as : anger, resentment, pain, sorrow, bitterness, emptiness, numbness, exhaustion, apathy, depression, and even some joy as you remember your loved one, peace as you think of your loved one in heaven with Jesus. There are so many feelings that come at will and even when the overwhelming sorrow has passed and a new form of "normalcy" has returned, you may out of no where, when you least expect it, feel grief's gripping waves overtake you once more.

Walking the journey of grief is an extraordinary test of our faith, and our will. Grief is a tumultuous sea, a relentless roller coaster that we cannot control or escape. The pain often comes in great waves, and tosses us about in a "sea of grief", so powerful that we may feel as if we are drowning. It is important to realize that it takes much time to heal and mourn. Unfortunately, there is no fast forward button for grief. So go gently. Be patient with yourself and your grief. Even when we know that our loved one is in heaven, we rejoice for our loved one, but we cry for ourselves. Our tears are for those of us who are left on this earth to ache for them, to miss and long for their physical presence, as we face the emptiness of walking through our days without the one we love. While we have great hope in Jesus and the amazing promise of Heaven, we acknowledge that there is a time to grieve, and we must take the time we need to do so.

The hope that we have as Christians is that we don't have to drown alone in our sea of grief. Our heavenly Father is able and willing to carry us when we cannot walk through the difficult journeys of this life ourselves. All that we can do is cling to Him, believing His promises. Some days we may not even have the strength to cling to Jesus, and in those moments, He will hold on to us because He is merciful and loving, full of grace and truth and comfort. He promises to never leave us nor forsake us. We have a great opportunity in the despair of grief to ask ourselves if we really believe His promises. When the waves of doubt come crashing in over our head, we must remember who our Lord is and what He has already done for us, in us, and through us. We can search His word and find hope and peace. We can look back on our own lives and see evidence of His hand gently leading and guiding our lives.

How do we face the task of walking through our days, passing the ordinary time, as the world around us goes about the business of life, while our world has shattered into a million pieces? The best advice I have heard comes form Elizabeth Elliott, who has experience great loss in her life. She says, "Just do the next thing.". Maybe the next thing is as simple as getting out of bed, putting one foot in front of the other, or just brushing your teeth. Sometimes there is great comfort in just the ordinary small, one step at a time pace of life that can carry you through to the next day. We can take comfort in knowing that God's mercies are new every morning and great is His faithfulness. Slowly, one baby step at a time toward normalcy, we will see the promise of a new day, a light at the end of the tunnel of grief. With time, those who grieve will heal and joy will be restored..

Taking the time to remember our loved one is an important and precious part of the grieving process. Some find comfort in journaling, creating a memory book of pictures and memories of the moments that make up our lives together. Sometimes it's the simple everyday memories that mean the most- a smile, a touch, a hug, a laugh, a smell. In the case of losing a baby or a child whose life was cut short, we not only feel the empty loss of the person, but also of all the dreams we hold for that precious life that ended so suddenly.

The old saying "time heals all wounds" has some truth to it, but I believe what is really happening in that time is that God is working in us to heal and restore us.. You may have heard the analogy that we cannot see the wind, but we see the evidence that wind exists as it blows the leaves on the trees. We can feel the wind on our face and hear the sound of it blowing past. I think God works in those invisible ways. We cannot see Him, but we see the evidence of His work in our lives. We feel the comfort of His Presence.

My friend Dinah gives a great analogy of how God mysteriously works. She likens it to the changing of the seasons. In the autumn the leaves change colors. Often though it is so gradual, so subtle that we don't realize it fully until one day the tress are orange, yellow, red and brown instead of green. In the same way as winter approached, the leaves fall from the tress. One day, we notice that the leaves are gone. We know they must have been falling for some time, but it was so subtle and gradual that we hardly noticed, until, one day when they were all gone and the land was stark and bare. When spring comes, everything brings forth new life. What once was dead is alive again. And one day it happens. You wake up and the leaves have returned once more - green and shiny and new. You can't point to a time when they began to bloom, exactly. You may have seen a bud or two. But it seems that it is sudden. In reality it was happening all the time, subtle, gradual, unseen, changing and restoring life. That is the best illustration I have heard of the way the Holy Spirit works in us to heal and restore. How subtly God works in us to change us until one day what once was, is no more. One day , we are no longer struggling. We have overcome what once held us captive, be it bitterness, pain, grief, or sin. God had been healing us all along, working while we struggled. He will take the tatters ashes of the broken hearts and made them into something beautiful ... God will use every tear, every moment of brokenness to make beauty from ashes to heal our pain and restore our joy.

~ Taken from the Dreams of You Memory Book written by Kelly Gerken and published by Sufficient Grace Ministries for Women, Inc. Copyright 2004-2008

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:A time to be born and a time to die...A time to weep and a time to laugh...A time to mourn and a time to dance...

Announcing a New Women's Bible Study, Christmas, and How Are You Doing?

2011-01-01T08:08:00.000-08:00

As we settle in to a New Year, I just want to share how grateful I am for this community of women and the friendships we have come to share in this blog world. I know the Christmas season can be a difficult one for many, and I hope that there were some moments of comfort and peace for each of you this year.

To kick off the year with a fresh start, we will be doing a bible study on Nancy Leigh Demoss's book, Lies Women Believe and the Truth That Sets Them Free. It is one of my favorites, and I'm so excited to delve into it in the coming weeks. I hope many of you will be able to join in, as well....even if just to read along and share your heart as you feel led.

This book is not specifically about grief, but it does address many of the areas we struggle with as women. So, I think it will be helpful...whatever you are facing. We will not be doing a weekly Walking With You, as I will be doing the study on The Beauty of Sufficient Grace blog, beginning Monday, January 3rd, and continuing each Monday after for several weeks. You can tune in there to participate and/or read along.

In an effort to keep in touch and share what's on our hearts, though...I would love to hear how you are doing...how this Christmas was for you and your family...what prayer requests you have...what's on your heart for the coming year. Please share in the comments of this post...or leave a link to a blog post you may wish to share, and I'll get over to visit.

My Christmas was busy, as always! We usually have what I call a Marathon of Christmas celebrations over the course of a few days. This year was no exception. In the frenzy, I try to grasp moments of peace and reflection as I think of the reason for all of the celebration...the gift of our Savior. There were moment's like that...standing at the candlelight service, listening to my husband's guitar and the voices of our church family blending with mine as we sang Silent Night. And there were moments of laughter with family and friends...good food, fun presents.

There were also, moments of missing...as there always are. The time after the children open their presents on Christmas morning...when I would normally call my mother to give her my recap of the morning and chat with her while cooking Christmas dinner to prepare for the evening celebration at my house. I ache for her with a fresh longing each year, wishing desperately to hear her voice. I dreamed that I was talking to her on the phone. But, the dream ended so quickly. Times when bittersweet memories wash over me, as I hung ornaments on the tree in memory of Faith, Grace, and Thomas and my mother's ornaments. Reminders that while we celebrate here, there are some missing from our celebration...ones we love who celebrate in heaven.

Angie Smith calls it The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy....and rightly so. That's exactly what this life is. A dance of grief and joy, interwoven into the tapestry of our lives. They are not completely separate...one from the other. But, they dance together in the moments we walk through. They dance together, and we must find a way to dance along with them. I don't claim to have the answer to that...and truthfully, I'm too clumsy to try and learn the perfect steps, and, therefore, ill-equipped to teach them. I prefer to take my Savior's hand, and follow His lead...knowing that the best I can hope for is to be carried along life's dance in His loving arms.

Oh...I almost forgot...there was one special moment I wanted to share. One that was sacred and touching. Tim and I received a precious gift from his grandmother this Christmas. It had three sweet baby angels on the sides of a lovely bowl. It was a gift in memory of our three babies in heaven. What made it even more precious...more meaningful than I can even convey...was that it is the first time our babies were remembered at Christmas on that side of his family...the first time in fourteen years. We received it with tears in our eyes...touched beyond words to know that our Faith, Grace, and Thomas were acknowledged and remembered. I won't lie...it touched places in my heart that are so tender, I prefer to keep them covered with layers of protection. But, it was good. Good to have that place of tenderness touched. Good to know they were remembered. Good to see God's grace washing over all of us...gently healing deep wounds, reminding us that He sees...that he values each life...that we are all precious in His sight.

Please know you are in our hearts and in our prayers as you continue this process of healing, missing your sweet baby and other loved ones, and take steps into a New Year...

Love to all...

Ornament Winners Announced

2010-12-05T14:32:00.000-08:00

UPDATED: Holly has decided to pass on her ornament to another mama, and we chose Trena as the winner of the Sleep in Heavenly Peace ornament. We will be giving her two in memory of her twin boys, Bryston and Colton. Congrats, Trena...and thank you, sweet Holly!

It was such a blessing reading all of your entries on this year's WWY Remembering at Christmas posts. I hope if you have not linked up, you will still take the time to do so. I found some new ideas to remember loved ones at Christmas by reading your posts. I especially like Michelle's footprint/handprint angel ornament. What a beautiful way to remember our sweet babies!

And, now without further adieu, the winners of this year's SGM Christmas Extravaganza Ornament Giveaway 2010 (I love a big overindulgent name! =)

Holly (Carleigh and Jordan's mama) Sleep in Heavenly Peace Ornament

Michelle (Janie's mama) Always Remembered Ornament

Heather (Mama to Allie, Brooklyn, and Chloe) Payton's Precious Memories Ornament
Heather...I have no way of contacting you, so please email me ASAP! =)
Caroline (Who shared ways she remembers her sweet babies and other loved ones in heaven) Always Remembered Ornament

Heather...I couldn't get to your profile, so please email me your shipping information at:
sufficientgraceministries at gmail dot com.

Congrats to the winners and stay tuned to the Sufficient Grace blog for the biggest giveaway in the history of SGM giveaways coming up on Monday!! =)

Remembering at Christmas 2010 ~ SGM Christmas Extravaganza

2010-11-29T15:04:00.000-08:00

Contest now closed winners announced. You may still link your post and leave a comment, but they will not count toward the contest entry. Thank you so much and God bless you this Christmas season and in the coming year.
If you are missing someone you love this Christmas, someone of ANY age who is spending Christmas with Jesus this year, I hope you will join us on this very special Walking With You. We are sharing our Christmas memories and the ways that we remember our loved ones who have gone home to heaven at Christmas time. If you do not have a blog or do not wish to link a post, you may leave your Christmas memories in the comments below. If you do a post on your blog, come back and link up on the Linky following this post.

We will also be offering several beautiful ornaments to bless a few who participate.

This first round of giveaways will be for a special ornament to remember your loved one at Christmas. We are giving one baby boy Hallmark ornament (pictured later in this post), two Hallmark Always Remembered Ornaments (a porcelain clam with a pearl in it that says, "Every life leaves something beautiful behind.") And, one person will win a very special ornament hand painted by my friend Deanna who creates beautiful ornaments in memory of loved ones who have gone home to heaven as found on her site: Payton's Precious Memories (in memory of her daughter, Payton Rose). Deanna is donating an ornament for this giveaway...thanks so much, Dee!

How to enter:

1. Leave a comment on this post.
2. Participate by linking a post about how you remember your loved one at Christmas. (this gives an additional entry). Please put the Walking With You button in your post on your blog, or put a link to WWY in your blog post.
3. An additional entry will be given for every comment left on the posts that link up on our Linky.(I will be visiting the blogs who link with this post and tallying comments left. You must comment here to enter first, though so I know you would like to be included.)

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How do we remember our babies (Faith, Grace, and Thomas) who are in heaven?

Each year, we fill three shoeboxes with gifts for Operation Christmas Child, which we then donate to the pile of boxes collected by our church for their annual donation. We fill two little girl boxes in memory of Faith and Grace and one little boy box in memory of our Thomas. It is a small thing, but it blesses me to be able to buy some little gifts in their memory and give them to another child in hopes that it will bring some joy. It is something tangible we can do to remember them every year.

A Christmas tree should tell a family's story. Each year, the memories come flooding back as we take out the ornaments and remember all the milestones our children have achieved, the sweet hand made ornaments adorned with school pictures, baby's first Christmas ornaments, Our first Christmas Together ornaments, and for those of us missing those we love, In Memory ornaments. They are a special way to include those who have gone home to heaven in our story. For they are very much a part of our hearts and our lives...and should be in the memories when we unwrap the ornaments each year and hang them on the tree that tells our family story. I shared a great deal about some of those special ornaments on our tree last year in this post. So, I won't repost all of that, but I will show a few more ornaments that have been added to our collection. Several of them came from some of you, my dear bloggy friends and fellow mamas. They touched my heart, and are treasured among some of the most precious gifts that I have received.

These beautiful ornaments were a gift I received last year from Jess:

And these three from Sarita:

And, this sweet ornament for my Thomas...

(Also the same baby boy Hallmark ornament we are giving away on this post!)

I also hang ornaments each year in memory of my sweet mother, Kathy, who went home to heaven four years ago. She adored Christmas, and she is so much a part of every Christmas memory for me. These Christmas giveaways are one thing I do to honor her memory. Even in difficult times, mom loved to make Christmas a fun celebration and she loved to give.

From Because He Came by Kelly Gerken...

More than two thousand years ago, the world ached for salvation, swelled with yearning for deliverance, redemption, restoration...for a Savior to rescue from sin and death. And He came...a baby King, born in a lowly stable on a quiet night to a peasant girl and her betrothed...a carpenter. He was in the still, small voice when He whispered past Elijah. And He was in the quiet stable birth when He came to rescue us and sent His angels to tell the lowly shepherds the good news.

His name is Jesus...and He came for me.

His name is Jesus...and He came for you.

And Because He came...there is hope for tomorrow and a promise of a joyful, forever reunion. He will wipe away all of the tears and wash away the loss and regret. He will cleanse and forgive and clothe us in robes of white. The empty arms will be filled. The hungry hearts will be fed. Brokenness will be restored. Mourning will be turned to dancing. And sin and death will be no more.

Because He came...He will carry us through this life.

And because He came...He will come again...in all His glory...to take us home.

© Kelly Gerken, Sufficient Grace Ministries 2008-2009

Thanks for letting me share some of my Christmas memories of my loved ones in heaven. I look forward to reading all of your memories, and pray that you will find comfort and hope in the truth that He came for you, as you remember this Christmas season.

WWY....Last Blog Feature Post...and What Gifts are you Thankful for, Even in Grief?

2010-11-07T18:08:00.000-08:00

We are going to post the last few links to featured blogs. It seems that this segment of WWY has run it's course, as few people are visiting the featured blogs. I hope you will take a few minutes to visit these families this week.

Also, I would like to know what is on your heart for the next WWY? What do you think would be helpful?

And...if you have a minute...I'd also love your opinion on a question posted in the SGM Blog Frog Community regarding a book I've been working on for awhile. Thanks so much!
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Some mamas who could use your love and support:

We lost our precious daughter, Kara, on December 26, 2009. She was 2 1/2 yrs old, and her death was ruled SUDC, Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood. Kara would have celebrated her 3rd birthday next Tuesday, on July 13th. We blogged about Kara's life with our family at http://karaannelang.blogspot.com/.

Thank you for doing what you are doing for others.
With hope,
Kathy Lang

My name is Angie
Our baby daughters name is Addison Kathelene...9/12/2010
Our family blog is OUR HEAPPY MEDIUM

My name is Tina
My babies names are Isaac & Hannah Joy
My blog is Fly Away Home To Heaven
http://flyawayhome08.blogspot.com/

This next link is their story
http://flyawayhome08.blogspot.com/2009/06/story-of-isaac-hannah-joy.html

Please stop by and show them some love this week!

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And, now...I'd like to share a repost from last year about gratefulness...and I ask you to share yourselves. What are you thankful for, even in your grief?

Reflecting on gratefulness is very valuable...especially in the throes of grief. Grief is big and consuming. The simplicity of counting our blessings refocuses a grieving heart from the giants of pain, sorrow, and hopelessness to the hope, comfort, peace, and eventually joy that waits for us on the other side of the valley. The comfort that waits for us in the arms of our Savior.

For the Lord will comfort Zion,
He will comfort all her waste places;
He will make her wilderness like Eden,
And her desert like the garden of the Lord;
Joy and gladness will be found in it,
Thanksgiving and the voice of melody.
~Isaiah 51:3

I am thankful...that I have been comforted by the Lord.

I am thankful...that His grace is sufficient.

I am thankful...that my wilderness has become like Eden, my desert like the garden of the Lord.

I am thankful...that joy has been restored, that morning has come.

I am thankful...for every moment I watched Faith and Grace and Thomas on the ultrasound screen.

I am thankful...for every hiccup, every movement, every kick, every stretching pain, (not-so-much the nausea and vomiting:).

I am thankful...for every dream that we shared together for your lives.

I am thankful...for every conversation that held your names...and for all the times your names have yet to be spoken or written.

I am thankful...that I was chosen to be your mother...for the blessing and privilege of that amazing gift.

I am thankful...that all of my children, in heaven and earth, have their daddy's dark eyes and cute nose.

I am thankful...for prayers prayed over you, songs sung to you, tears wept for you, and the love that spills from the hearts that loved you...and continue to love you.

I am thankful...that Thomas opened his eyes to look up at me and a picture captured that moment of bliss.
I am thankful...that my babies lived on Earth...and that they live in heaven.

I am thankful...Faith, Grace, and Thomas...that I carried you in my womb, held you in my arms, and forever hold you in my heart.

I am thankful...for the promise that I will hold my sweet babies once more in heaven's glory and we will never say good-bye again.

I am thankful...that because our babies lived, many families are comforted in the midst of their sorrow.

I am thankful...that our mourning has been turned into dancing...that our love has sustained the storms of grief...that our God is able to carry us through this life and keep us together as we walk with Him.

I am thankful...that God has blessed me with the boys who remain here with us, filling our house with boisterous noise and the husband who continues to make me laugh, and fills my heart with songs of joy.

You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,
To the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever.
~Psalm 30:11-12

Supporting a Grieving Mother...What You Can Do...and This Week's Featured Blogger

2010-10-25T14:12:00.000-07:00

I'd like to do something a little different with this Walking With You. There is still a featured blogger listed at the bottom of this post. But, first...some helpful information for someone seeking to offer comfort to a friend or loved one who has lost a child. Please add your own suggestions to the comments of this post. We all know that it is not easy to offer comfort in a situation where there seems to be nothing to say or do to ease the pain.

Supporting a Grieving Mother

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. - 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

It is often very difficult to know how to minister to the needs of a grieving mother who has lost her child. There are no magic words to take away the pain of such a loss, and many find it overwhelming just to look into the face of such suffering. Here are a few suggestions from a mother who has walked this path more than once.

1. Don’t allow the fear of saying or doing the wrong thing keep you from reaching out in love. There are no perfect words. A simple “I’m sorry” and a hug can go a long way.

2. Acknowledge the baby. Refer to the child by name. It is often a blessing to a grieving heart to hear her child’s name spoken. Do not think that talking about him/her will bring the mother more pain. The memory of her baby is always on her mind. Sharing can be a comfort. Be willing to listen. She may need to tell her story over and over again.

3. Those who are grieving are not always able to ask for help. Instead of saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” just do something for the mother and her family. Be available, but also be willing to give space when needed. Bring a meal. Offer to watch the other children for awhile. Come over and sit with her, offering a listening ear.

4. Realize that your friend has been forever changed by the loss of her baby. Don’t expect her to be exactly the same. And please realize that grief has its own time table. Allow her the time she needs, and remain supportive. Everyone grieves differently. Don’t judge her choices or her “performance”. She may not react the same way that you think you would.

5. Avoid clichés such as “You can have more children” or “This was God’s will”. Even words meant to comfort can actually sting a grieving heart like salt poured into an open wound.

Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Romans 12:15

I will be posting a link to this post on our resource page, so that others who visit may find some wisdom from those who have walked this path. Please add your thoughts to the comments.

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Please also take a couple minutes this week to show some love to Purple Moose, mommy to Shelomith, "born straight into the arms of the LORD ~ October 4, 2009". She is currently expecting her rainbow baby, and could use our love and prayers.

Remember With Us ~ October 15th

2010-10-09T11:41:00.000-07:00

There will not be a featured blog this week on Walking With You. Instead, we will be focusing on some activities to commemorate all families who have experienced the loss of a baby or child, as we recognize and take time time to remember on October 15th. Please click on October 15th Rememberance Page information post to join us in remembering these precious babies and families. We hope you will also add your family to the list. Also...there is a special giveaway on that page you may want to see. Have a lovely week and God bless each of you...

Show Some Love to Michelle, Mommy to Audrey and Kimberly, Mommy to Hudson

2010-10-04T16:31:00.000-07:00

We are again featuring two sweet mamas on this week's Walking With You. I know that it has been awhile since we began this little showing-some-love-to-a-grieving-mama-each-week-project. That's part of the reason I've been trying to double up and feature two mothers in a week! I hope you will take some time to visit both and let them know that you are praying for them. It doesn't take much time, but it sure blesses the heart of a grieving mother to know that she is not alone.

First meet Michelle, mommy to the beautiful Audrey...

Michelle's words as they appear on her sidebar:
Jamie and I lost our first baby due to an early miscarriage and our firstborn, Audrey to severe prematurity (25 weeks) and sepsis. I blog to keep record of my journey for myself, a journal of sorts. In doing so I hope that other baby loss moms or those affected by a similar loss find some encouragement and comfort that we are not alone in our pain.

Michelle has such a beautiful smile! She has started a lovely project in memory of sweet Audrey called, Audrey's Little Light. She creates custom made scrapbook candles in memory of little ones who have left this earth too soon.

Please stop by and let her know that you are praying for her this week.

You may be familiar with the heart-warming smile of sweet Kimberly and the story of her sweet Hudson. But, please stop by and show her some love and say some prayers for her this week. I am linking to a post she wrote shortly after Hudson went home to heaven in January 2009. More of her recent blog shares about life with the latest Henninger blessing, their sweet daughter. I wanted to focus on Hudson for Walking With You, so I'm directing you to a post that tells his story. Please leave your comments there.

And, here are a few words from Kimberly as written in her profile:

We are The Henninger Family! Life has been full of many different paths and adventures in the past 3 years that we have been married. This blog is composed of all of the exciting times as well as sad times we have faced and are facing. We have a beautiful little boy named Hudson Greer who was born still after 30 weeks of pregnancy. We also have a 60-lbs lap dog named Hunter who we have had for 8 years and will always be our little baby. Both of us love Hudson and Hunter so much and are so glad they are a part of our lives. In our newest chapter we gave birth to the most resent addition to our family - Heidi Jewell. She is teaching us, just like Hudson did, so much more about life than we ever knew.

Thanks again. Have a blessed week!

Meet Beautiful Chelle and Her Daughter April....and Show Some Love to Sweet Jennifer and Her Eli

2010-09-29T04:49:00.000-07:00

O.K....this Walking With You is a little late, but I am featuring two sweet mama bloggers this week. Hope that makes up for it! I hope you will take a few minutes to show some love to these moms this week.

Please meet Chelle and read her beautiful, heart-wrenching, and inspiring letter to her daughter April. Since you can't comment on the letter, It would be so kind of you to click on her most recent post and let her know that you stopped by her blog, and you read about her little April. Show her some love and keep her in your prayers this week!

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You may already know Jennifer and the story of her little Eli. Will you do me a favor and read the beginning of his story and then click on Jennifer's most recent post, and let her know that you are praying for her this week, anyway...even if you already read her blog. Let her know that this week, you will take some time to remember her Eli and pray for her. It really means so much to another mother walking this path...to know that she doesn't walk alone...that she is being lifted in prayer.

Thank you so much....love to all. Stay tuned...next month, we will be planning some activities to commemorate National Pregnancy Loss and Remembrance month.

We're Back! And Ready to Show Some WWY Love to my Dear Bloggy Friend, Kathryn

2010-09-19T19:12:00.001-07:00

Please join me showing some Walking With You love to my dear bloggy-friend, Kathryn...mommy to Seth and author of the Expectant Hearts blog.

Sweet Seth was born in March 2008 and went home to heaven on October 12, 2008 due to complications from a heart condition. Please take some time to read his beautiful story as told from the heart of his sweet mama. Click here to read Seth's Story.

These words are found in the header of Kathryn's blog:

Why Expectant Hearts? When we were unexpectedly pregnant with our fourth child, he was diagnosed with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. As a family, which includes Sean, 11, Cary, 7, Kayleigh, 3, Seth (6 1/2 months old when he went to Heaven on Oct. 12, 2008)and Leland & I, we wait with "expectant hearts" for the miracles our Lord & Savior unfolds in our lives. This is a place to document that journey and share our stories, and those miracles, with family and friends.

Thank you in advance for showing love to this mama and taking time to pray for her and her family this week as they continue to find a way to walk this earth without their sweet baby boy...

Show Some Love to this Week's WWY Feature, Michelle and Read about her sweet Janie Beth

2010-09-06T14:38:00.000-07:00

This week's featured blogger on WWY is Michelle Karr from The Journey of the Karr's. She shares the story of her sweet Janie Beth, who was born on December 29, 2009 and lived for 22 hours before going home to heaven on December 30, 2009. Janie suffered from a fatal form of dwarfism. Michelle has three other children, and is currently expecting one more.

In a recent post, Michelle shared the struggles of walking an emotional tightrope, as she grieves the loss of her daughter and awaits the arrival of the child growing within her womb. I think many of us can relate to those tight rope feelings.

Michelle is often offering encouragement and prayers through comments on other blogs. I hope you will take a few minutes this week to stop by and encourage and pray for her.

Also...just wanted to thank you for your kind words while I was on my soapbox last week. I knew you ladies would understand!

Have a blessed week...love to all!

Feeling a Little Protective...Stepping on My Soapbox...and Showing Some WWY Love to Two Sweet Karens

2010-08-30T15:05:00.000-07:00

Warning...I am about to step on my soapbox a little. It's a place I rarely go, and honestly it takes quite a bit to send me there. Today, it seems necessary. Please, be patient as I get this off my chest. You see, I feel a little protective sometimes...of those I love, of close friends, and of grieving parents.

In this community, for the most part, we find love, acceptance, and support from others who have walked this path before us...those who walk alongside us. But, in real life...outside of this community...it is often a different story.

I have received some emails recently from friends...and over the years from others, as well as my own experiences that have driven me to the soapbox.

Mothers who have buried their children...mothers whose arms ache, mothers with tear-stained cheeks and broken hearts, mothers who tenderly and gingerly tiptoe back into society...only to find judgment and heartlessness or indifference.

A mother is judged for grieving the twin that was lost, when one child remains.

A mother is judged for not attending a baby shower.

A mother is judged for including the child that is in heaven when asked how many children she has.

There are so many more...but let me just stop right there! Are you kidding me? Do you know how many times I have neglected to mention my children in heaven, because I wanted to spare the feelings of someone else? I didn't want them to feel uncomfortable. Do you know how much courage it takes for a mom to share something as sacred and tender as the loss of a child?

Most of you reading here, know all too well...but for anyone out there judging these mothers who want to share the lives of the children that no one sees...please step outside of your comfort zone for just a moment. If you are a mother with children who walk this earth, imagine for a moment that someone expected you to exclude them from being mentioned as a member of your family. Imagine how you feel when your child slides into home plate, takes her first step, attends his first date, gets her first A, says his first word. Moms love to share about our children. They are the passion of our very hearts...the apple of our eyes. Do you think that a mother who doesn't get to watch all of those dreams come true for her child has any less of a desire to share about her daughter or son?

They were here...they are loved...they are missed. And, please don't misunderstand. I am not about wallowing in grief, although this ministry takes me to that place often, as I walk with others freshly flung into grief's painful path. But, I hardly think that missing your child...or mentioning his or her name when asked how many children you have should be considered unacceptable "wallowing in grief" or unhealthy behavior. Some behaviors are unhealthy. That is another issue. The cases that have been referred to us recently are not in any way cases of unhealthy grief. They are simply mothers, doing the best they can to put one foot in front of the other, to piece together the brokenness of their hearts and dreams, to honor the lives of their children, and to find some hope and peace in the new reality where they now find themselves.

Love is the key for all of us. Before we speak, may we pray that our words would be filtered through love and full of grace.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Ephesians 4:29

O.K....I'm going climb off my soapbox now, stop preaching to the choir, and share with you about about two sweet Karens, and their precious babies in heaven. In the spirit of showing love and not judging or turning our backs on those who grieve, please take some time to offer these sweet mamas your encouragement and prayers this week!

Sweet Karen #1 has such a cute blog called Gott Joy! I'm not going to lie, I love me a blog title about joy! Recently, Karen shared her heart and a few "whys" in this beautiful post.

Here's a little bit about Karen's sweet baby girl Rebekah Joy from her blog:

On October 13, 2009, our baby daughter, Rebekah Joy, was born still due to a knotted and wrapped umbilical cord. This happened a few days before her "due date." I started this blog as a way to honor her little life and give praise to our precious Lord

Karen #2 is also quite sweet and full of beautiful faith. Her heart shines through her blog, and she is a lovely prayer warrior for expectant mamas. You can read more about her beautiful daughter, Faith Evangeline here. While you are visiting her blog, please take a minute to check out her pregnancy prayer list.

Thanks for listening to my vent, and please show show some love to these sweet mamas.

Featuring Holly and Laura This Week...Show Them Some WWY Love

2010-08-23T16:32:00.000-07:00

It's time for back to school for us this week, and I'm sure for many of you, as well...but I hope you can take a few minutes to stop by and show some love to the two mamas we are featuring this week on Walking With You.

Most of you probably know my dear friend, Holly - Mommy to Carleigh, Jordan (and Kyndra, too!) and author of the Caring For Carleigh blog. Holly has such a compassionate, beautiful heart and is often found showing love and encouragement to another babylost mama. Her blog is an excellent resource for a family whose child has been diagnosed with anencephaly...and for anyone facing the loss of a child. She also serves on the board of Sufficient Grace Ministries, and is always willing to lend a hand...or swing a golf club...or serve hot dogs and ice cream...or whatever activity we find ourselves doing.

We are also featuring Laura, mommy to Virginia this week. Laura's daughter went home to heaven in May, due to a condition called cystic hygroma. You can read more about Virginia at Virginia's Story. One of her posts that really spoke to my heart shares what the body of Christ looks like in the acts of love we can display to those who grieve. Laura is currently walking through another loss, the miscarriage of her 11 week old baby. Please take some time to show her some love and pray for her this week.

Please show some love to these sweet mamas and take some time to cover their families in prayer this week. Thank you so much! Love to all...

Please Take a Moment to Show Some WWY Love to Sweet Karin...Her Smile will Brighten Your Day

2010-08-16T14:30:00.000-07:00

I wish I had more time to write about sweet Karin, but I am only home for a few more minutes and then leaving again to work on music with our band. I don't want this Monday to pass by without asking you to take a moment this week to show some walking with you love to sweet Karin @ A Spirit of Hope.

Karin is so sweet and her smile just warms my heart and brightens my day whenever a comment from her pops up on my blog. Karin has lost two sweet little ones, and is currently expecting. Please pray for the little one being knit together within this sweet mama. Her first few posts share a little of her heart as her family walks this journey right now. I'm sure she would be blessed by your words of encouragement and your prayers. I know that a lot of us are busy right now, and it's hard to find time, or inspiration to blog. But, if you have a moment...it would be wonderful if you could visit this week's featured WWY mama.

Thanks so much...love to all...

Featuring Two Mamas This Week...Crystal and Hannah

2010-08-09T05:28:00.000-07:00

This week, I am cheating a little. We are featuring two mama bloggers. Hope you don't mind!

The first blogger is, Crystal from Blessed to be Broken. Crystal is mommy to Calvin Phoenix and to her Rainbow baby. Her most recent post shares some pieces of her heart as she reflects on missing her sweet boy.

Crystal also has a beautiful website/project in memory of her sweet Calvin called Calvin's Cupcakes. She honors the birthdays of babies in heaven with a sweet-designed cupcake...not the kind you can eat, but the kind you can feast your eyes on! =) It's definitely worth checking out!

Please show Crystal some love and take some time to pray for her this week. She has been very faithful in reaching out to many in this community and has participated in many of our Walking With You posts.

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I hope you will also take the time to stop by and show some love to our second featured mama, Hannah from Rose and Her Lily and read about her sweet daughter, Lily. Sweet Lily was born still in March 2010.

In her most recent post, Hannah shares something I think we can all relate to as grieving moms...standing in the store aisle feeling the waves of longing and the ache for what we are missing.

Please take a few minutes and show her some love in the form of an encouraging comment, and please pray for her family this week. Thank you to those of you who have taken the time to visit each WWY mama. It means so much to a grieving heart to know she does not walk this path alone.

Love to all...

Show Some Love to Lori and Read the Extraordinary Journey of Her Sweet Megan

2010-08-02T08:46:00.000-07:00

This week's blog feature is Lori from Our Special Needs Life, a sweet mother who has walked a path that many of us have not experienced. Just the same, she is a mother who has said good-bye to her sweet baby girl, after an almost ten-year-long extraordinary journey. Her daughter Megan's life is a beautiful testimony of God's grace and peace. Megan's joy despite circumstances is evident in her beautiful smile. Her life is truly a humbling inspiration, and I pray that you will be blessed as you read about this amazing girl.

An introduction post...

Dear Megan...a letter from a mother's heart...

Megan's battle

Megan's life and faith...

Please take some time to encourage and pray for Lori and her family this week. And, thank you so much for showing love to last week's mama, my friend Deanna. Love to all...

The Beautiful Story of Payton Rose

2010-07-26T01:00:00.000-07:00

Thank you to everyone for showing such love and encouragement to Jenny last week!This week's featured mommy is not a blogger. She is my in-real-life friend, Deanna. She and her husband Jim attended the same high school as Tim and I...and Jim is our son's baseball coach. Jim and Deanna's son, Kenton, is also friends with our son James. It would be such a blessing if you would leave your words of encouragement in the comments on this post for Jim and Deanna. Your love, prayers, and willingness to walk with one another means so much and brings such comfort to a grieving heart.

And, now...Payton's story as told by her sweet mommy, Deanna Shoemaker...

Payton Rose Shoemaker
June 6, 2003 to July 9, 2003
Daughter to Jim and Deanna

Our precious Payton was born June 6, 2003 on a beautiful sunny day. She weighed 6lbs 6oz and was 19 1/2 inches long. I had been scheduled for a c-section right from the beginning of my pregnancy. The pregnancy went well; all tests and ultrasounds came back fine. It was a complete shock that she had such a severe defect when she was born. The doctor told us right as she was born that we would have a wedding to pay for someday……boy was he wrong!!! It was going to be a funeral instead. I knew something was wrong right away she was not crying, at least not like all those babies did on all those baby shows I had watched, and I could not compare it to Kenton’s birth because it was an emergency and I was put out. I asked Jim what was going on, he said she was moving around and kicking, and that they were giving her a bit of oxygen. The Pediatrician brought her over for a quick look, and then said they were taking her out because she was having a hard time breathing. Imagine lying on the surgery table and not being able to get up after someone tells you your baby is in distress….

Finally I get to recovery and I still have only seen Payton for maybe a minute, my OB goes to find out what is going on, everyone else at this time however is getting to see Payton having no idea that anything is wrong…

Our Pediatrician finally gets back with us to let us know he believes our daughter has a diaphragmatic hernia and will need to be transported to Toledo Children’s Hospital for surgery. I immediately want to know if she will be okay, and he believes she will be fine after surgery. Jim now has to tell family and friends what is going on, but we are not too worried at this time. Jim goes off to talk to family and friends in the waiting room while I’m in my room. I actually am pulling my hair back and putting on a bit of makeup so I look somewhat presentable for visitors.

Then all of a sudden I hear a code blue over the speaker which immediately I know is Payton, because I was the only one on the maternity floor at that time. I’m by myself and can’t get up, pushing the nurse’s button continuously until a nurse finally arrives, and she says she thinks Payton had a seizure but was not sure. They were looking for Jim and could not find him….

I later find out he was in the chapel just sitting with his mom praying for a miracle, but not feeling he had the right to ask since we were not avid church goers, Christians, but not an every Sunday ritual. Finally 3 hours after my c-section I get to get up and go see Payton. She grabs hold of my finger and looks at me and I just fall apart and cry. The medics from Toledo are there getting her prepped for transport, I just can’t believe this is happening, what did I do wrong, why did we not know? I had so many questions.

Jim now had to decide if he should stay with me or go with Payton, but the doctors encouraged him to get some rest that nothing would be done until the next day at least. So, now Payton is on her way to Toledo and we still have visitors coming expecting to see Payton, that was really hard to have to tell them she was not there……..I only had a Polaroid they had taken of her just before she left. Later when me and Jim were alone I fell apart again, but Jim was strong at this time, until around 3:00 in the morning when we get a call from Toledo that Payton is not responding to their treatment.

They need our permission to now transport her to Mott’s Children’s Hospital at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor. They tell us she needs special treatment called ECMO that they cannot provide. We have no idea what they are talking about or what is going on but of course we tell them yes, we want Payton to get better, but now we are starting to worry a bit.

What is ECMO, why is she not responding, all we know is it probably is not good.

In the morning Jim leaves for Ann Arbor in tears not knowing if he will see his daughter alive when he gets there. I’m a complete basket case now, and have to wait for my doctor to release me from the hospital, but only 24 hours after my c-section I’m released and heading to see my daughter. Those of you who have had c sections know that you usually don’t even get out of bed for 12 hours and your hospital stay is at least 4 days, but I had to see my daughter.

My very good friend Linda along with her daughter Bree, my brother David and Kenton drove me to Ann Arbor, I swear she hit every bump, but actually she was only driving about 45, but I was still in a lot of pain. I have already talked to Jim and know Payton is already hooked up to the ECMO and doing better, so I’m not too worried at this point. But what is ECMO??? I have visions of this huge contraption she will be in and not even being able to touch her. But then I get there and walk into the NICU and see Payton hooked up to the ventilator with all these wires and monitors with things beeping and she is just laying there. They have to give her medications( Pavulon) that paralyze her to keep her from getting to excited, or her vitals get out of control. It kills me to this day to think about her on that drug. It was as if on some days she would look into my eyes as if to say “mommy pick me up, why are you not holding me……it just broke my heart.

I loved the days when she was able to move around and hold my finger, but it always made her vitals go up. I was also relieved to see that ECMO was not a huge contraption that Payton was encased in, it was quite amazing how it works and the ECMO techs were very helpful and honest when answering our questions. It also just so happens that the inventor of ECMO is at the hospital, I can’t remember his name, but I think he is from Australia and he came over and visited with us and told us how ECMO was helping our daughter. It was very fascinating.

We also found out that the little hole in her diaphragm was more than just a little hole. This hole had allowed all her lower organs to come up into her chest cavity. Therefore her left lung had not developed, her right lung had gotten a hole in it while they were bagging her in Defiance, and her heart was damaged due to all the organs pushing up against it. To look at her you would never know there was a thing wrong with her, but her insides were another story. She was on ECMO for 17 days and during that time had to be switched 3 times due to clotting problems, and as you all know that always set their progress back, but she did come off it, which was amazing the doctors never thought she would live without it. The had told us the day before they were going to be weaning her off ECMO in the morning and that we should hold her now because they did not think she would last long without it. They were at a point that once they took her off she would not be able to be put back on; her body was rejecting it too much.

So we hold our daughter for the first time and it is not the kind of hold I really wanted, she was hooked up to everything still and wrapped in blankets, I just wanted to hold her so close and hug her, but it was impossible, I whispered in her ear rubbed her head and ran my fingers through her hair, and Jim did the same, her SATS had never been so good. We had two of our best friends there with us at the time and they took pictures, however, we lost one of the friends who was just too overwhelmed with emotion to stay. We later found her just wondering the hallways, but I will never forget their support and love. We left that night joyful and sad at the same time, what would tomorrow bring how long would she hold on without ECMO.

We headed back to the hospital early the next morning, I want to be there while they take her off, but when we get there and walk into the NICU I immediately notice the machine is gone. The nurses are all smiling and come give us hugs, they are all amazed, Payton is keeping her own without ECMO, a glimmer of hope, Jim and I are just ecstatic. We go to the gift shop and bring her an angel bear and Kenton has pictures taped to her isolate. The next few weeks were an emotional roller coaster, trying to wean her off the ventilator to be able to go into surgery. The doctors at our hospital would not perform surgery while on ECMO, which I suppose I could have argued, but I never felt like they were not doing everything they could for her. There were many ups and downs during her one month and three days here on Earth, but Jim and I agree one of the better days was when we had our very own Hashbarger Reunion brought to us right at the hospital. You guys went above and beyond to raise our spirits, lugging coolers full of food and drink through and huge hospital. You all visited with Payton as well, making us feel very loved and helping us keep our faith strong that she would get better. Baskets were filled with gifts and treats, for Kenton and Payton both it was amazing!!!!!!!

Payton fought hard and she did not give up without a fight, the doctors did all they could, and she surprised them every now and then. The nurses were amazed at all the support we had from friends and family, they said they had never seen such support before. It was true Payton had many visitors every day; she had tons of prayers, and a family that loved her. She never did get stable enough to have surgery; we decided not to put her through it if it would not make her better. Besides the doctors said she would not even make it through a surgery if her vitals were not stable. Her SATS towards the end took longer and longer to bring back up which we knew was doing more harm than good. They tried Nitrous several times, Viagra, and eventually the oscillator vent, which I also hated!

I had asked the nurses earlier on in the month how someone would know it was time to let their child go, and they would say with a smile you will know. I told them I didn’t think I would and would never be able to make that decision. But when Jim and I got that call at home that July morning we both at the same time looked at each other and knew….it was time to let her go. Kenton had been with us through this whole ordeal almost everyday, but we chose not to take him on this day. We made arrangements for him and off we went. We made some calls to immediate family to head to the hospital to say their good byes. Upon arrival our favorite nurse Janet was in the hall and I thought “oh my God she is already gone” which is what I had prayed for towards the end. I would ask God if you want our Payton please just take her, don’t make us make that decision, but we soon realized the doctors and machines could probably have kept her alive for month’s maybe longer, but we did not want that for her, she needed to go back home, not our home, but the Lord’s. The nurse was just there to meet us and ask us what we intended to do. I had wanted her to be off the Pavulon, but they could not keep her SATS up without it, so Jim and I went in and kissed her, and talked to her, I stroked her hair, rubbed her tiny little feet and hands, I wanted to imbed everything about her into my head. I told her it was okay for her to go that Grandpa and Grandma would be there waiting for her (my parents).

We left the room while they unhooked her from everything and they then brought her into us in another private room. I was hysterical and did not want to hold her, but I knew if I did not hold her Jim would not either, and I knew he wanted to. So I held her for just a short time, which I now regret, I wish I would have brought clothes for her and dressed her, I wish I would have held her tight, but I just could not at that time. Jim held her for quite some time just gazing at his daughter; I was sitting next to him holding her hand. Grandma Barb and Great Grandma Lou held their Grand daughter as well as Uncle Dave; it was a very tearful event. Payton went home to Jesus on another beautiful day in July, although at the time we did not think it was a beautiful day …….we had to tell Kenton yet. He was only three, but smart beyond his years. We could not say nothing, I mean for the past several months he kept asking if his sister was done yet……..he had seen her, touched her, now she was gone. He was such a trooper, he told me it was going to be okay mommy…….we just need a hole in our roof and Jesus can drop Payton back down to us…….talk about heartbreak. The months passed and he asked many questions, all of which were answered honestly, he knew she was in Heaven with Jesus, and he knew when he saw mommy cry it was because she missed Payton and he would always be there with a hug.

Getting prepared for the funeral…….how do you do that when you are in such an emotional state of mind? Picking out a plot at the cemetery in tears, how do you choose a spot to lay your child to rest? How do you pick out the clothes your child will wear, going through the clothes you had bought for her to wear now never to be worn. How do you choose a casket, what music to play? I will not lie it was horrible I hated every bit of it, but it had to be done. The funeral director asked if we were going to have just a private service, and we immediately said no. He was a bit surprised, he explained that with young infants it is usually just family, but Payton had touched many hearts in her short lifetime and the day of the funeral they had to add extra chairs for all of her visitors. Though the day was sad, it was full of friends, family, and those who just wanted to help during our time of grief, we felt very blessed to have had our daughter touch so many hearts.

We still talk about Payton today, she is never far from our thoughts, and she is with us in our hearts forever. The cemetery that she is laid to rest at it just a mile from our house and we visit often. Every birthday we release balloons to her in heaven, every Christmas Eve we light a candle on her stone, and on the day of her death she always gets a visit. Her stone was designed by me and always has trinkets and flowers on it from family and friends who visit. The design on her stone is of an angel bear that was with her during her entire stay at the hospital, with roses for her middle name of course, and flowing ribbons, because our friend Jodie had made ribbons for everyone to wear to support Payton while she was in the hospital. They had a pink rosette with pale pink, blue, and yellow ribbon, and everyone wore them everyday in hopes that she would come home.

Five years later…….we have another daughter Tayah Grace, born happy and healthy on May 2nd, 2006. The pregnancy was an emotional one for me, I was worried the whole time, even after having high level ultra sounds and maternal fetal specialists the first few months of pregnancy. But never give up hope and let your fears get the best of you, God is with you always, and though he may not answer our prayers the way we want him to, he does answer them. When you lose a child hold them, take pictures( the hospital did this for us and sent them to us later on when we were in a better state of mind…..so glad I have them now) get footprints and handprints, locks of hair, you will eventually be glad you did………..keep a journal write down your feelings. I read them now and think “wow” I was really having a bad day that day, or look how far I have come. Don’t be afraid to get counseling, talk to your loved ones, let your emotions out and over time you will begin to heal, you will be a new you ……….

To read more about Payton and her family and the lovely art created by Deanna in Payton's memory, please visit their Facebook Page: Payton's Precious Memories

Show Some Love to My Friend Jennifer, Isaiah's Mommy...

2010-07-19T00:01:00.000-07:00

I am so excited to share the story of Isaiah and this week's featured blogger, his beautiful mommy, Jennifer from His Grace is Sufficient with you on this week's Walking With You. But, first, I would like to remind you that the purpose of this segment of Walking With You is to encourage one another...so that all would know that they are not walking this path alone. I noticed participation was a little down last week, so I would just like to gently ask that you would please take just a few minutes to visit Jenny and leave her a word of support and/or encouragement. (Pleeeeaaase...=) It takes very little time, but means so much to a grieving heart.

Many of you may already know Jenny...please stop by and show her some love anyway! She has such a gentle spirit, and such a tender mother's heart. Plus, she has been faithful to "walk with me" in blogland...always encouraging me and so many others along the way. And for that, I am so grateful.

Jennifer's most recent post just blessed my soul this weekend. Please take a moment to read how the Lord whispered His love and comfort into her heart. Make sure to scroll down and read the post right before it, also, if you have time. You will see that God is truly working in her life. In going over to encourage her, you just might get encouraged yourself! (It often happens that way! I think it might be part of God's plan...as we show love to one another, we feel loved and encouraged.)

In her first blog post, Jenny shares some of her heart and the reason she chose her blog name:

Jennifer's words: I named my blog "His Grace Is Sufficient," because there is no way that I would be able to get through the day without Gods grace pouring over me. It says in
2 Corinthians 12:9, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
My daily focus is to look at what God has allowed in my life, and how can I bring Him the glory out of it. How can I take the loss of Isaiah's life and bring something beautiful out of it.

This post talks about the first steps on Jenny's journey...and tells the beginning of Isaiah's story. I encourage you to read more parts of her story if you have time...God has carried her on an amazing journey. And, He still carries her.

Thank you so much for taking the time to walk with other moms. Now, please go show sweet Jenny some love and remember her and her family in your prayers this week!

Have a blessed week...

Featuring Elena and her Lilly...

2010-07-12T05:17:00.000-07:00

This week on Walking With You, we are featuring sweet Elena and her blog that tells the story of her Lilly Elizabeth.

Elena's words as she shares part of the story of Lilly's amazing life:

Our youngest daughter Lilly Elizabeth was diagnosed with anencephaly at 21 1/2 weeks in utero. This is her story. She was amazing and did amazing things in her six days 5 hours and 30 minutes of life. She cried when the Dr. pulled her out. She cried often, made noises when she was hungry and rooting, was peaceful, calm, and loved. She nursed!!! She lifted her head while laying on her stomach on daddy's chest. She gripped our fingers lots of times. She smiled. She opened her eyes. She responded to noise so we know she could hear. This blog will tell in detail of her story. Lilly met and was held by over 50 people..around 30 alone her first couple of hours being born. She was given 2 hours to 1 day after birth but she went above and beyond that without being hooked up to machines or being on medication. Her heart beat and respirations were always GREAT!!! She was always calm, peaceful, and happy. Amazed even the doctors at how well she was doing. She is our little miracle and our angel. Not many people get the chance to witness a miracle, we feel lucky and blessed to have been given that chance.

Her most recent post talks about those moments of missing that wash over us from time to time...and also contains one of my own favorite "sayings". Please visit and leave her word of encouragement.

This post shares the day when everything changed for this family. We all can relate to that day in our own journeys.

Read about some of the ways Lilly's family treasured this gift of time...

I hope you will take the time and read about Lilly and her sweet mom, Elena. Even if you only leave a comment on the most recent post, it will be an encouragement and a blessing to her. Thank you so much to those of you who took the time to visit last week's featured blogger, Kim. Please take some time to show love to Elena and keep her and her family in your prayers this week.

Meet Kim ~ Kristen's Mommy, and Show Her Some Love

2010-07-05T06:56:00.000-07:00

Our first featured blogger on Walking With You is Kim from Peace of My Heart. Kim's sweet baby girl, Kristen, was born last May and spent three precious months with her lovely family. She went home to heaven after complications from a lung surgery to remove a mass of tissue.

Kim has several beautiful posts that share her family's journey and pieces of her own beautiful heart and her faith as she walks this path. Here are just a few...

Kim's most recent post shows a picture of grief in marriage. Take a minute to read and leave a comment, letting her know you are there.

Learn more about Kristen here.

The Bear Project...beauty born from the ashes of sorrow...Kim's labor of love, offering a gift of comfort from one mommy to another.

I loved this post of Kim's called Better Than a Miracle. This post addresses what happens when we don't get the answer we were praying for in such an encouraging way. Another way to think about miracles...and a way that God has spoken to my own heart before. I love the way He revealed this to her.

This Christmas letter post has some great advice for those wishing to offer support to someone who has had a loss.

There are so many more wonderful posts, and truthfully, I'm just getting to know Kim, myself as I read through her lovely blog. I hope you will take the time to visit and comment on some of these posts and/or others that speak to your heart sometime throughout this week. Even if you just have time to visit her most recent post and leave a comment of encouragement...that would be wonderful. Please also take the time to pray for Kim and her family this week.

Whether you are a grieving mom or just someone who wishes to offer comfort and hope, you are welcome to participate. I know that I do not have a "large" audience, but it would be so nice to see each featured blogger flooded with words of hope, encouragement, and love as we let each other know that we are not walking alone. If you would like your blog to be featured, please visit this post for details. We want to allow everyone a chance to tell their stories...the stories of their precious children. I hope you will join us, and I thank you in advance for taking the time to do this. You have no idea how much just taking a moment to leave a heartfelt comment can encourage a grieving heart.

Love to all...

Would You Like to Be Featured on Walking With You

2010-06-28T08:35:00.000-07:00

We've been taking a little break from Walking With You. A few more people are catching up with the recent Threads of Hope bible study that we finished in May. Because I know that many people are busy, I've been thinking about how to proceed, and I have a couple ideas. Prior to the Threads of Hope study, we shared our stories piece by piece, reading one another's journeys and encouraging each other along the way.

The purpose of this group is that grieving hearts would know they are not walking this path alone...that there is comfort, hope and grace along the journey. One way I was thinking we could do this, is to feature a blog of one grieving mama each week. I will do a post on the Walking With You blog letting you know who is being featured, and others who have walked this path can go and offer a word of encouragement, prayer, or scripture on that person's blog. That way, instead of having to prepare a post and visit all of those who link up, we just have to visit one person, focus on their story, pray for them that week, and leave a comment on their post letting them know. I have come across many families who have lost a child, and some have readers. While, some do not have many. We would like to welcome anyone to join in...those new to grief, as well as those who have experience walking this path and can be an encouragement to those in need.

If you would like to be featured on Walking With You, please leave a comment on this post, letting us know your name, blog name, and your baby's name. I will let you know a day or so before your blog will be featured. We will feature a new blog each Monday, for as long as we have participants. (I'm hoping many of you participate!) I think this could be a great way for us to reach out and get to know other families walking this path, as well as to offer hope and encouragement to one another. I hope you feel the same, and I'd love any input on this idea!

Another favor I'd like to ask is if you are participating in Walking With You or would like to follow and read along, offering encouragement to others, please become a follower of this blog. Although, Walking With You is linked to The Beauty of Sufficient Grace, it is now it's own blog. I've added a follow button for those who wish to do so. We also have a button linking to this page, if you would like to help us spread the word. If you are participating, please display the Walking With You button on your blog or in your featured post.

Lesson 9 ~ Threads of Hope ~ Finding Joy

2010-04-25T15:27:00.000-07:00

This will be the last post in the Threads of Hope Bible Study series. Thank you so much to those of you who have taken the time to walk through this study with us. I know some found it comforting and some did not enjoy it. But, I appreciate your willingness to try it out. We will be taking a little break from Walking With You, and I have a few ideas that I'll share soon. If you have a need in the mean time, please feel free to email me.

Joy is a feeling that follows a choice. Our joy comes not as a result of circumstances or events, but by choosing to trust God no matter what the circumstances. ~ Threads of Hope

Some of my favorite scriptures are in this lesson...verses that have carried me through dark valleys, moments of brokenness and doubt....despair and hurt. I am so excited to share and reassured as I read them again tonight. Oh, God's faithfulness astounds me. There really are no words. I'm so glad we get to talk about finding joy this week.

In Ezra, we see the new temple being built. The young priests sang praise at the sight of the new temple...they rejoiced over the restoration, the hope for the future, rejoiced that God was doing a new thing. The elders who had witnessed the glory wept as they saw the new temple. They felt the sorrow for what had been, for what was destroyed. I imagine their tears were bittersweet...mixed with the pain of what was lost and the hope of what was being built and restored before them.

Where am I? Do I see what was lost or the hope of a new city?

The honest answer is: I am in both places. Most of the time, I feel hope and joy and I see the new thing that God is building and the beauty of what He has already built. But, sometimes, I feel moments of broken-heartedness over what was lost and what may have been. Those moments wash over me at will. And, it's not a place I try to dwell, but they do come.

When they come, I try to remember that a New City waits for me. Even as God does a new thing in my life right now, the ultimate renewal and restoration is still ahead and waits for me in Heaven's glory. For that promise, I am so grateful.

The study asks "How can I praise God when I am still so hurt?" and directs us to Psalm 137, which asks, "How can we sing the Lord's song in a foreign land?"

Good question...and the answer, while may sound simple, I realize, at times, it is not. Last week, we talked about how one feels when in the pit. And, as I read through so many blogs of mothers who are now in that place of thick grief, I realize it's important to be sensitive to the fact that there is little that brings comfort in that place. And, even words of hope and truth can sting. Does that mean we stop offering hope? I don't think so. But, what we offer must be clothed in grace and love.

With that said...let's talk about praise and joy...

We praise God for who He is. No matter where we are, or what our circumstances, He never changes and He is always worthy of our praise. Grief is a foreign land. It's a land where we may feel moments of hopelessness and abandonment, of desperation and brokenness. But, even in that place, He is worthy of our praise. Even when we don't feel like it. Even if our praise in that moment when we are too weak to lift our heads...even in that moment is barely a whisper of His name...it is good to give Him praise. And, somehow that I can't really fully explain, praise brings us comfort, too.

Do we always feel joyful and happy?

No.

Shouldn't we wait until we do to give Him praise?

No...the praise comes first... The joy usually follows.

And now...my favorite part...the proof that there is always hope in Him.

Do not remember the former things,
Nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I will do a new thing,
Not it shall bring forth;
Shall you not know it?
I will make road in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert.
Is. 43:18-19

We will never forget our babies, and I don't think this verse is included to intend that. But, we can forget our hopelessness. We can let go of that pain and embrace the new thing that God offers us...a future of hope. He is able to make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. He can bring life...even from death. He can use what was meant for evil, to bring good. He can make beauty from ashes. He can, and He will.

As far as forgetting...does God forget our babies or expect us to?

Can a woman forget her nursing child,
And not have compassion on the son of her womb?
Surely they may forget,
Yet I will not forget you.
See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands;
Your walls are continually before Me.
~Is. 49:15-16

God knows how a mother would never forget her baby...but says even if she would...He will not! And, He certainly doesn't expect us to forget.

So back to the new things God offers...what are they?

Lamentations 3 tells us that God offers us new mercies every morning...His compassion never fails...and great is His faithfulness.

2 Corinthians promises that we are a new creation in Jesus.

I waited patiently for the Lord;
And He inclined to me,
And heard my cry.
He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,
Out of the miry clay,
And set my feet upon a rock,
And established my steps.
He has put a new song in my mouth
Praise be to our God...

Psalm 40:1-3

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You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,
To the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent.
O Lord, my God, I will give thanks forever.

Psalm 30:11-12

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Those who sow in tears
Shall reap with songs of joy...

Psalm 126:5

You know...if you are struggling to find something to be thankful for...struggling to find the strength to give Him praise...take a moment and remember what He has already done, and who He is! I love to remember what God has done in my life and what He is already doing. It's hard to see all of that when you are in the pit. I know that, but He is still there. Even when we cannot see, He is working to turn our tears to joy. And, oh...what a beautiful song it is.

God has comforted me in so many ways. In the darkest moments, He comforted and strengthened me with His word. More recently, He has restored brokenness in my marriage, giving us a deep abiding love that has been tested by fire. He has shown me that His grace is sufficient, that He will never leave me, nor forsake me, that He is faithful...He is all that He says He is. He has blessed me with the privilege of being a mother to all my children...those on this earth, and those in Heaven. He has taught me about the kind of faith that grows in the pit of grief. And, He has blessed me with this ministry, offering comfort and hope to others walking this path. I could go on and on about the new song that He has put in my heart.

Great is His faithfulness....

Now may the God of all hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
~ Romans 15:13

Please link up and take some time to encourage and walk with one another...

Love and Prayers for all...

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Final Threads of Hope ~Walking With You...

2010-04-23T03:54:00.000-07:00

We will post the final Threads of Hope ~ Walking With You next Thursday, April 29, 2010. Several people have expressed feeling behind and needing some time to catch up. So, it seems best to give it an extra week. Thank you so much for your willingness to walk with one another and share your hearts, and thank you for your flexibility.

Blessings...

Threads of Hope...Letting Go and Holding On...

2010-04-19T19:54:00.000-07:00

I am absolutely loving the quilt story that's unfolding in this bible study. I love to see the beauty of the quilt with pieces of the granddaughter's life...making beauty from the pieces...all of the pieces. And...even more...finding beauty, even in the process.

Getting Out of the Pit

I have been in the pit, and through this ministry, I spend a great deal of time with others who are in the pit of grief. And, when you're in the pit, it's tough to think of anything other than the pain and sorrow weighing down on you, being heaped upon you as you sink further in.

Corrie Ten Boom - "There is no pit so deep that He is not deeper still."

I love that...and I could also relate to what Gwen Kik shared:

After Hope died I felt as if I were hanging in a pit. The only think keeping me from falling to the depths was my grasp. On the edge of the pit was our Lord, offering His hand but I would not look at Him or reach for Him. I would only hold to the hem of His robe. Some called that faith. I called it desperation. He was all that I had to hold on to.

I hung there for many months before I had the courage to even look at Him. I remember the day clearly that I climbed out of my pit, into His arms and had a good cry. That was the beginning of my letting go.

When in the pit, we may not have the strength, desire, or will to even reach our hand up to take His...to even lift our head to look into His eyes, to even open our mouth to whisper..."help me, hold me, carry me". Even that may be too much. Just breathing is a lot to ask in the smothering depths of the pit.

What I love most about Gwen's picture is that the Lord is sitting outside the pit...waiting for her...offering His comfort and reassurance. Even when we can't feel Him, even when we reject Him...He is there..waiting with unyielding love to gather us in His arms and wipe our tears.

I also love that Gwen says she clung to Him out of desperation. I think there's too much emphasis placed on the strength of our faith. Faith isn't about us...it's about the God we trust in and what He is able to do. It's not about how big or well we believe...or anything else we do. It's not about having strong faith...and a faith that barely holds on out of desperation is not considered weak faith. Faith, after all is just knowing that He is the One to hold on to...it's trusting in what we do not see. It is the "substance of things hoped for; the evidence of things not seen". Call me crazy, but holding on to the little tiny threads of His robe while grasping in desperation in the pit...where you cannot see the hope, the light, the promise...that's the most beautiful faith of all. The dirty, messy, nitty-gritty faith that comes when the world is falling apart and there are no answers.

At least, that's what I learned from my own time in the pit...

Teale shared about the veil...that in grief, we are covered in a veil. We cannot see the full hope and promises. Scripture talks about the veil as well.

This hope we have as an anchor for the soul, both sure and steadfast, and which enters the Presence behind the veil, where the forerunner has entered for us, even Jesus... (Heb. 6:19-20)

I love that....Jesus went before us...entered for us...and in Him, our hope is sure and steadfast. He is the anchor for our soul...

2 Corinth 3:16 promises: Nevertheless when one turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away.

The study also points out the various emotions displayed by the disciples when Jesus faced death on the cross. They went from disbelief, apathy, anger, fear, desperation, grief, denial...and back to grief.

After His death...the women went to the tomb.

John 20:1-18 tells the story...

Mary sat weeping outside the tomb, when the resurrected Jesus approaches her. In her grief, she doesn't recognize Him. She finally recognizes Him when He speaks her name and she turns to Him.

In the conversation, Jesus asks..."Woman, why are you weeping? Whom are you seeking?"

The study asks for our response to this question. I know the obvious answer would be that most grieving moms are weeping because they long for their sweet babies. But, in reference to standing outside the tomb of Jesus...or sitting in a pit of hopelessness...wondering where the Lord has gone? Are you there in that pit of despair? Does it feel like an empty tomb? Are you wondering where the hope and promise has gone? Are you unable to feel His comfort under the weight of your sorrow? Unable to see His goodness through your veil of pain? Are you wondering if He really is who He says He is?

Perhaps, He is standing right before you...asking whom you are seeking. Perhaps He is just waiting for you to lift your eyes and see Him standing there. That's where I found Him when I lifted my eyes from the pit one day.

I just want to take a minute and say that surrendering to the Lord...coming to the place when you can reach for His waiting hand and allow Him to pull you from the pit of despair....that is a process. It happens in time, and for many of you...your grief is very fresh. Don't think that something is wrong with you because you still feel the weight of your sorrow and little else. Just know that God loves you with a relentless love and He will not leave you there. He will wait for you, as long as it takes. Whether you feel Him, or not...He is there.

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What hope do we have that our children are in heaven?

In 2 Samuel 12:23b, after the death of his baby boy, David says: "I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me."

Meaning...the baby will not come back to this earth...but one day, David will see him again in heaven.

1 Thes. 4:13-14 But, I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus.

How can we know we are going to heaven?

John 14:6 - Jesus said to him,, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me."

Romans 10:9 promises, "if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved."

What will our heavenly bodies be like?

Philippians 4:20
For our citizenship is in heaven, from which we also eagerly wait for the Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body that it may be conformed to His glorious body according to the working by which He is able even to subdue all things to Himself.

But...how will we know our babies when we get there?

In Matthew 17, when the disciples were transfigured on the mountain, they saw Moses and Elijah, and they recognized them...never having laid eyes on them before. How? Because they were, for a moment, given eyes to see...as we will have in our glorious body. We will have eyes to see and we will know others as we are known.

For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known. 1 Corinth. 13:12

Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God! Therefore the world does not know us, because it did not know Him. 2 Beloved, now we are children of God; and it has not yet been revealed what we shall be, but we know that when He is revealed, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is. I John 3:1-2

The study encourages us to list mementos we have of our baby, to write letters, and to write a letter to the Lord pouring out our hearts and hurts before Him. It has been many years for me...and I did those things years ago. One thing I want to add is that even if you are feeling trapped in the pit and don't know how to pray...just saying..."Lord this really hurts" is still a prayer. He will meet you where you are...He's faithful like that! =)

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Please link up your post below, and also take some time to visit others who link here to offer your encouragement and prayers. We want to walk with one another...that no one should walk alone. The next post will be our final one for the Threads of Hope study. Then, we'll take a little break, and pray about where to go from here. Thank you to those of you who have taken the time to do this...and for those who have been reading along.

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A Little Behind...

2010-04-18T19:01:00.001-07:00

Just wanted to post a little apology if you're looking for last Thursday's Walking With You. I'm a little behind right now on everything in my life. But, I will be working on it within the next couple days.

In the meantime, please join me in praying for sweet baby Sawyer...the son of one of my best friends. He was born Friday and he is facing heart surgery this week.

Threads of Hope, Lesson Seven ~ Acceptance

2010-04-11T17:12:00.000-07:00

So sorry this post is late...thank you to those of you who are sticking with this study!

In this Threads of Hope lesson, we are going to talk about moving on toward acceptance. A better word, in my opinion, from a Christian perspective would be surrender. It was many years ago when I walked through the intense first stages of grief from saying good-bye to my precious Faith, Grace, and Thomas and toward acceptance. I remember that time as a time of surrender to God...truly learning to trust Him with my life, to praise Him in the storm, to give Him glory whether He is giving or taking away. I remember the process, and the beauty and relief when I finally surrendered my sorrow, my bitterness, all my disappointment that things had not gone as I should, my grief, my fear...all of it...to the Lord. I remember the sigh as I breathed it all out, allowing the tears to pour as I flung myself into my Heavenly Father's lap and let Him take it from me.

In Luke, we are told to take up our cross daily. Following Jesus is a daily choice. Daily, we choose to die to our former way of living and live instead for Him.

I felt like we were being asked to carry our own cross when we faced the fatal diagnosis with our sweet Thomas...and when we began the lonely journey of carrying him to term. It was a cross I will never regret carrying...I was honored and privileged to carry my sweet boy, and to hold him in my arms. Carrying Thomas wasn't the cross...but knowing that we would have to say good-bye to him, after already saying good-bye to our baby girls, Faith and Grace...facing the end of his earthly life...that is what weighed so heavily on our hearts.

We were asked to write our "cross items" on a cross. According to the study, "Cross items are those things that you have experienced that weigh you down. Pray about what your cross items may be." Jesus already died to free us from these things...He already gave us the power to overcome them, through Him.

I've been giving this some thought. I don't always walk like I'm free from all of the things that weigh me down. In fact, I often allow those things power in my life that they shouldn't be given. Jesus died for me, freeing me from that which once entangled me. Sometimes, I don't embrace the truth that I am a new creation in Jesus. I forget and wallow in the old me, and it really doesn't fit. I need to remember, I'm not that girl anymore. My identity isn't in the person who once felt abandoned, who made poor choices as a teenager, who felt insecure, the mother who grieved for her babies, the daughter who lost her mother, the woman who eats to cover her struggles...that isn't who I am. I am the daughter of the King...a child of God...completely forgiven...beauty made from ashes...redeemed by the blood of Jesus. I am free and precious in His sight. And, if Jesus is your Lord...so are you.

...that you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness. ~ Ephesians 4:22-24

O.K....so how do we do get to the point of surrender...or acceptance? How do we just give it all over to the Lord? How?

There isn't really an easy answer or a magic formula...but God works in His time and in His way. The key is that it really isn't something we can do or conjure up. It is something the Lord does...working while we rest...or struggle...or cry. Just as the grandmother in the study was working as her granddaughter grieved...beginning to piece together the beautiful quilt. God works that way, piecing together the scraps of our lives...the pretty pieces...the uneven ones...the downright ugly and seemingly useless pieces...and He makes something beautiful out of ALL of them. They all have purpose...alone, they may seem ugly. But, together, they are beautiful...just like the tapestry He is weaving in our lives. The grief blends with the joy. Together, they bring beauty, hope, renewal, and purpose. He doesn't waste a piece of it.

So...the answer to how do we do it?

We don't...

We trust the One who is able to do it for and through us...

In Matthew 11, we are admonished to: "Come to Me (Jesus) all you who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest..."

Isaiah 40:28-31
Have you not known?
Have you not heard?
The everlasting God, the Lord,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.
His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the weak.
And to those who have no might He increases their strength.
Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
The shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.

Galatians 2:20 reminds us that it is "no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me."

The study asks several questions encouraging grieving moms to make a plan how they will cope. I think that's a great idea, and encourage those who are newly grieving...or in the first year or two of grief...to do this. It has been many years for me, so I won't list my answers here.

The following verses mean so much to me, not just because of the hope they give and the truth they speak...but because I clung to them as my mother faced her cancer and eventual death. God gave us these verses over and over, reminding us that the trials we faced were not the end of the story. He was renewing us day by day...and He was working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory. Don't focus on what we see...focus on Him.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal. ~ 2 Corinth. 4:16-18

And another verse I clung to when grieving (and later surrendering) for Faith, Grace, and Thomas was:

John 16:22 ~ Now you have sorrow; but I will see you again and your heart will rejoice and no one will take away your joy.

This world is full of hurt and loss, brokenness and pain. But we will see Jesus and our babies again. And when we do, NO ONE WILL TAKE AWAY OUR JOY!!!!
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Thanks so much for those of you who are sticking with this study. Please take some time to link your post or leave a comment here and with those who link up. It is an encouragement to these families to know they are not alone. Remember...our goal is to walk with you...to walk with one another.

Love and Grace to all...

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Threads of Hope Lesson Six ~ I've Got to Get Better Soon

2010-03-31T19:08:00.000-07:00

Please forgive this post. I am fighting a sinus infection and coming to you tonight with a heavy heart. I will do a bare minimum post tonight. Feel free to link up your own post if you like. To read more about the Threads of Hope Study, click here.

This week, we are talking about the stage of grief often referred to as busyness. It is a time when you may desire to feel better, to return to the things of life, to delve into something that feels good and maybe distracts from the cloud of sorrow that has hovered overhead.

What are some of the things you did initially to help yourself feel better?

It was a very long time ago. And, I really don't remember. I watched movies with Timothy and spent a lot of time going places with my friend Ginny and our kids. While many begin a worthwhile project in memory of their child, or start a new hobby, I don't recall doing any of that. We didn't start Sufficient Grace until eight years after Faith and Grace went home to heaven. So, I don't think that was a result of the busy season of grief.

After mom passed away, I started blogging and worked more fervently in the ministry. I'm not sure if that is related to her passing or the passion God has placed on my heart...or both.

Another question asks about people trying to make you move on with your grief. People did that...mostly my mom, who wanted me to get better. I imagine it hurt to watch her daughter hurt and not be able to fix it. I don't really want to talk about the specifics...it was a long time ago. And, perspective changes with time.

Luke 10:38-42 tells us about Mary and Martha. Martha was busy with much serving...worried about many things. And Mary chose the "one thing that is needed"....to sit at the feet of Jesus.

Psalm 46:10 admonishes us to "be still and know that He is God"...

I guess the message there is that all the running we do to fill our empty places with other things does little to satisfy our true needs. It won't fully comfort or heal our hurts. At the same time, I believe there is a value to the season of busyness we find in grief. Maybe sometimes we are running away from the hurt...but maybe in other instances, we are working through the pain, pouring it out in our gardening, writing, creating, singing, working. There is a time for that...but there is also a time for stillness. A time to be still and sit at the feet of Jesus, knowing that He is the only one who can truly heal.

There is a section that talks about parenting during grief. I remember sometimes in my sorrow, struggling to feel joy...wondering what kind of a mother laughs and enjoys life when her babies aren't here. And, one day, I looked down at my sweet toddler pulling on my hand to play...and wondered, "What kind of a mother doesn't feel joy and live life for the one who is here asking her to play?"

I realize that statement does little to comfort the mother who has lost her only child. But, I will say that even in that instance...you are still just as much a mother with a child who lives on in heaven. And, you are just as free to feel joy and live life again...knowing that although your baby is not with you...she lives on in heaven's glory. So, when the time comes...when laughter graces your lips once more...let it come. And don't feel guilty.

Another part talks about having more children....I'll let you all post what you wish about that. Refer to previous Walking With You posts on the right sidebar for more on this subject.

Genesis 15 and 16 tell the story of Abraham and Sarah...

God promised Abraham a son. When He took "too long" to answer, Sarah took matters into her own hands, asking her maidservant to carry her husband's child. She found a whole heap of trouble with her fateful choice...trouble that incidentally plaques our world today. The lesson is that she should have waited on the Lord...trusting in His faithfulness. God did send her and Abraham a son named Isaac...but that's another story.

I take matters into my own hands often...using other things to find comfort instead of going to the Lord. It is a constant lesson He is working on and unfolding in my life.

The next section shares that sometimes we cry out for a rescue from our circumstances instead of trusting in God and His promises no matter what the outcome. It's hard not to ask God to rescue us...and I think it's O.K. to ask Him as long as we do so, while still trusting Him no matter what the outcome.

What promises did you make to God and/or yourself?

Don't remember making promises to either of us...

What promises has God made to you?

Now we're talking...that's what matters...His promises to us.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flame scorch you.
~Is. 43:2

Notice that He doesn't promise that you'll never walk through the waters...He just promises that when you do, they will not overflow you. And when you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned.

Why?

Because He walks with you...

Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me. In My Father's house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also, And where I go you know, and the way you know. ~ John 14:1-4

There are more beautiful verses and promise listed in the lesson. But, that's all I can do tonight. If you'd like to study them out yourself, I encourage you to do so. There is always encouragement in His Word.

How Can I Go On? (Part Two...Guilt and Fear)

2010-03-24T17:08:00.000-07:00

"I'm convinced that guilt is a natural part of the grief cycle. It's a human response of trying to find a logical, explainable answer for every tragedy. Yet the ramifications of unresolved guilt are profound...Rest your guilt-driven grief on God's grace. Please in Jesus' name, lay aside those feelings of guilt."

~ Jack Hayford, I'll Hold You in Heaven

In some ways, guilt is what mothers do. I battle guilt over my failings or perceived failings as a mother daily. Was that the best consequence? Did I miss that teachable moment? Have I spent enough time with my kids? Have I planted enough seeds of faith? How have I fallen short?

I fall short everyday in so many ways...

But, when a mother loses her child, that guilt is on a whole other level. Why couldn't I save my baby? Was it something I did...something I didn't do? Was it some medicine I took? Was I too active at work? Why didn't I go to the hospital sooner? Why couldn't I carry a child? Why do my children die while others live? Have I brought this suffering on my family....where there should be joy? What kind of a mother.......?

We wonder...and Satan stands accusing us in the darkness...

He is...

...the accuser of our brethren, who accused them before our God day and night...(Rev. 12:10)

Be sober, be vigilant, because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour. 1 Peter 5:8

He is loud and relentless...accusing you, whispering hateful lies in your ear day and night...standing before God Himself to accuse us.

But, guess what!

That ugly accuser...

...has been defeated by Jesus on the cross...

Jesus stands between us, interceding for us...and one sweet day...

(The) accuser of our brethren, who accused them before our God day and night has been cast down. And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony. (Rev. 12:10-11)

The blood of the Lamb I get...that's the blood of Jesus, shed for our sins, defeating death, sin, and Satan once and for all. But, the word of their testimony. Does that mean there is power in the testimony each of us has...the testimony of what God has carried us through...a testimony of clinging to Him in the midst of sorrow and praising Him in the storm? (Maybe that's why I never get tired of telling the story of what God has done in our lives!) That's worth some pondering.

What do these verses say about a guilty conscience?

Romans 8:1-2 tells us that: There is therefore no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus...

But...you don't know what I've done...you don't know where I've walked...you don't know how I've sinned.

Maybe not, but do you really think that you've done anything that is too big for the blood of Jesus to cover? When He says that there is no condemnation...that's exactly what He means. Condemnation NEVER comes from God. His rebuke feels good...conviction is like a loving correction from a parent who loves you and wants what's best for you. That's how the Lord shows us we are wrong and lovingly brings us to a place of repentance and forgiveness. Condemnation is from the evil one, meant to cripple you with guilt, to tear down, destroy, paralyze, and break your spirit into pieces. One builds us up...the other tears us down. Do you see the difference?

What can we do with these strong, very real feelings of guilt?

Let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. - Heb. 10:22

Give it to the Lord...give it to the Lord...give it to the Lord again. Meditate on His word...know that you are covered in His blood. Trust in the truth of His word until the feelings catch up. Don't trust in what you feel...trust in what you know.

Jesus made propitiation for our sins that through death He might destroy him who had the power of death, that is, the devil, and release those who through the fear of death were all their lifetime subject to bondage. (Heb. 2:14-18

Submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. -James 4:7-8

He came to free you from the bondage of your sin, your issues, your grief, your fears, your failures, your baggage, your brokenness, your dysfunctional family, your addictions, all of it...whatever it is. You are free. Resist thoughts to the contrary...run from them...flee...and run to the Lord's waiting arms. No matter how many times you have to run to Him...He is always waiting to receive you.

What fears do you have now that you didn't have before?

It has been many years since we lost our children, and God has healed many of my fears. But, I do remember being much more protective of Timothy...knowing in a different way that life is not to be taken for granted. It is definitely a stripping of innocence when you realize that life can quickly be taken. It makes you guard what you have been given and keep those you love closer.

I feel more fear since my mother passed away...fears I started to share, but I think for now I can only keep between myself and the Lord.

What thoughts or questions repeatedly plague you?
Again...not comfortable answering this...or even revisiting it...if you have an earnest struggle with something though...email me and we can talk privately.

What helps you when you are anxious?

Meditating on scripture.
Prayer....the "pouring it all out" kind of prayer...

How does God's Word comfort us in times of fear?

Fear not for I am with you,
Be not dismayed for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
~Is. 41:10,13

Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil,
For you are with me; Your rod and staff, they comfort me...
~Psalm 23

For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, "Abba, Father." (Abba is a term similar to "Daddy")
~ Romans 8:15

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
~2 Tim. 1:7
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While depression, fear, guilt, and anxiety are normal parts of grief to some degree, there can be a cause for concern in some cases. Depression and Anxiety are real and we can find healing and comfort through scripture and prayer, but there are also times when it is medically necessary to seek professional help. God still works through doctors and other therapeutic methods and they are sometimes necessary. If you are experiencing an abnormal level of depression and/or anxiety that is interrupting your sleep, appetite, and ability to function for a prolonged period of time, please seek the help of a professional.

Thank you for taking the time to read and for allowing us to walk with you on this path. Please take a little time to encourage one another. We will also have a discussion on the Blog Frog page on our blog

Love and prayers to all...

How Can I Go On? (Part One - Depression and Loneliness)

2010-03-17T20:35:00.001-07:00

To make things a little easier, I'm breaking this lesson into two weeks. We will talk about depression and loneliness this week and guilt and fear on next Thursday's Walking With You. If you already have your post ready and you did the entire lesson, that's O.K....just link the same post this week and next week. And, we will get around to encourage you. I hope you will take the time to read everyone's post and encourage one another. And, I'm sure everyone would appreciate feedback, even if you're not in the study, but find something is resonating with you or leaving you wondering. Our goal is to encourage one another and lift each other in prayer. Not place a burden on one another.

Even if you aren't in the study, and aren't a grieving mom...but would like to share thoughts on depression or loneliness, we'd love to hear your input. If you wanted to be in the study and feel that you aren't able, but would like to join in the discussion, I'd love to hear what's on your heart, too.

And maybe we can encourage one another at The Blog Frog. I'm going to start a discussion there, and I'd love to have anyone participate. (Click here to join in the discussion.) I think we all could use some encouragement. I think it would really help others to know they are not alone.

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Depression

Depression...such a taboo word in Christian circles. We aren't supposed to "grieve without hope". This is true and biblical. But does that mean we will never feel great sorrow or despair? Does it mean we will skip through life, death, and everything in between with a smile on our face...never questioning anything that comes our way, and loving every minute of it...no matter what it is? Is it wrong to feel grief and agony? Is it wrong to feel lonely, lost, hopeless, forsaken? Can we help those feelings when we lose someone we love dearly?

Let's look to the truth of God's Word to answer these difficult questions:

In Esther 4:1,3...we find grief being displayed by tearing of clothes, wearing of sackcloth and ashes (a sign of mourning), weeping, wailing, and fasting.

In II Corinth. 1:8b-9...we find God's people burdened beyond measure, above strength, so that they despaired even of life...
They had the sentence of death in themselves...(but what did they say?)They said, "we should trust not in ourselves, but in God who raises the dead".

Psalm 6:6...talks of being weary with groaning...crying all night, drenching the couch with tears until my eyes waste away with grief.

How can you tell when you are depressed?

Some people don't eat or can't eat. I have had a few moments like that. But...for the most part, all I want to do is eat. I'm an emotional/comfort eater.

I also struggle with insomnia when I'm depressed. I often can't sleep and then want to sleep when I should be awake...but cannot, as life marches on.

I withdraw and escape..sometimes just wanting to stay in my room. As a mother, we can't really put life on hold. But, there have been a few times during intense grief when I have retreated to my bedroom sanctuary...especially during the year after mom died. I also remember after we lost our twin daughters, Faith and Grace that I didn't leave my house for almost two months. Others would get groceries and run errands for me.

What does God's Word say about grief, tears, and God's response to our sorrow?

He numbers our wanderings...and puts our tears into a bottle...(see Psalm 56:8)

He sees us and keeps our sorrow close to Him. He is aware of every tear we cry. And He cares about us. Even our tears are precious to Him.

Psalm 126:5-6 holds one of my favorite promises. I have clung to it during the sowing of tears and rejoiced to see it's answer fulfilled during songs of joy.

Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.
He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying his sheaves with them. ~Psalm 126:5-6

What does it mean by "carrying seed to sow" and "carrying our sheaves"?

Sheaves are the stalks of grain that grow from the seeds that are sown. To me, the sheaves represent the promise that is coming. Our sorrow...our tears, our trials are like seeds we are sowing that will one day harvest a beautiful crop. In the midst of grief, we sow with tears, but as the Lord heals our brokenness and replaces our ashes with beauty...one day, we will sing with songs of joy.
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Loneliness

Have you felt alone or forsaken in your grief as the world moves on and you are still hurting? Have you wondered if God has turned His back on you or felt like turning your back on Him?

I talked last week about feeling forsaken. It's probably my "go-to" area of weakness...the lie Satan uses the most to buffet me when i am weak. Lies like: "Sure, God's promises are true, but not for you."

That was probably my biggest struggle with faith and grief after losing Faith, Grace, and Thomas...and even in grieving the loss of my mother. Will He really carry me through this? Has the Lord left me? Does He understand my sorrow...or is He disappointed that I am so broken-hearted?

The thing about grieving is that no one can fix it. People can pray and say loving things and even walk with you through your journey. But, nothing relieves that initial devestation...and nothing completely fills that empty space in your heart. I believe there is always a "missing place" felt for the one who has passed. But, that doesn't mean there is no hope of relief.

It's true no one on this earth can make it better. And, it's a lonely walk...as others move on...back into life and a grieving mother still hurts, frozen in her pain, not ready to move forward, not finished healing.

People will let us down. They will not always understand...not always say the right thing. Wives and husbands can even feel lonely with one another, as they grieve differently. He may not want to talk about it...while she may need to relive every moment to get the feelings out. There is a way to respect each other's need to grieve differently. Refer to this post for more information.

The following verses are some of the ones I clung to myself when I felt lonely and forsaken in the thick of grief. We are to look to Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, to know how to walk through this life. And, as we do...we find that our Savior understands grief and loneliness quite well.

In Luke 22, we find Jesus praying alone...His friends couldn't even stay awake! He is praying in agony, sweating great drops of blood as He asked the Lord to let this cup (His impending death on the cross) pass from Him. Even in His agony, though, He says..."Nevertheless, not My will, but Yours be done.". He took His agony and His request to the Father...yet He trusted in the Sovereign Father's will.

Do you know what struck me and brought me comfort all those years ago when I laid on my tear stained couch? What comforted me the most about these verses?

That Jesus gets it.

Jesus didn't skip through the sorrow with a pasted smile on His face. He was in so much agony, he was sweating great drops of blood as He wrestled with what was about to become of Him. It wasn't easy...He cried out in prayer and agony in His Spirit...that even manifested in His flesh. Too often, Christians think we can't admit that we are hurting, struggling, depressed, grieving. We think we are supposed to have it all together and only display a happy face. I'm not saying it's O.K. to be consumed with depression and sorrow...to wallow in defeat. Jesus didn't do that. But, there is a time for sorrow and grief. Jesus felt those feelings...agony, sorrow, forsaken, overwhelmed, full of dread, despising what was to come.But He took them to the Father in prayer. He knew where to go, and who to trust.

How might our grief be a temptation to turn away from God completely?

Some people turn away from God in the midst of tragedy. People may feel angry, forsaken, thinking God has turned their back on Him. I've heard others share that they wondered, "How could a loving God allow this to happen?"

Trouble will come in life with or without God. He doesn't send trials, and His heart breaks when we hurt. True comfort can only be found when we turn to the Lord...and more pain and loneliness will rule in our hearts if we choose to turn away. But, God leaves that choice up to us.

What did Jesus know of grief and loneliness?

In Isaiah 53...He was despised, rejected, a man of sorrows, aquainted with grief..

In Hebrews 5, we find Him crying out with vehement cries, and tears to the One who was able to save Him.

Throughout scripture, we find Jesus going off alone to pray...and we see that even those closest to Him betrayed Him and turned their back on Him.

Who is there for us in loneliness and grief?

Deut. 31:8
And the Lord, He is the One who goes before you.
He will be with you,
He will not leave you nor forsake you,
Do not fear nor be dismayed.

Psalm 73
Nevertheless, I am continually with you...

John 16:32
I am not alone because the Father is with me.

Romans 8:35-39
Nothing can separate us from His love...

If you get nothing else from this post, please just know that Jesus gets your sorrow, your pain, your grief, your depression, and your loneliness. He gets it...He weeps with you...nothing separates you from His love...and He will never leave you or forsake you. Turn toward Him, lean into Him, pour your heart out to Him...He is there.

Lesson 4 ~ Anger

2010-03-11T13:52:00.000-08:00

If you wish to learn more about Walking With You, click on the button above, or visit previous posts. I need to just dive in today, or this post won't make it to publish.

This week, our Threads of Hope lesson focused on anger. I'll be honest, the questions and scriptures in this study cut me to the core, and I am still trying to process some of what was revealed...some of what is still being revealed...under the layers I hide behind so well. There is so much on my heart, and I'm not sure if I can or will...or even should share it all.

How was anger expressed in your home when you were a child?

Although I feel that this is relevant to what we are studying, it is difficult to share. It's important to me to honor my parents. And, I pray that my words do nothing to bring them dishonor. I share it because it shaped who I am and how I respond...and even some of the things I struggle with. God has brought about so much healing in my life...and He isn't finished yet.

I don't remember a lot of anger being expressed when I was a child. As a teenager, my mother and I shared quite a few volatile emotional outbursts, as many teenagers and parents do. I was rebellious and disrespectful. She was a single mother, exhausted from working second shift...and trying to raise three children.

My parents were divorced before I was three years old. My father moved several states away sometime after I was about eight. The only memory I have of my parents interacting with each other, they were yelling as I stood between them. I was the subject of the argument. Afterward, my father left and I did not see him again for many years.

How do you express anger now?

With tears...and unfortunately venting and even emotional outbursts at times. I have been known to raise my voice. And...just like any other time, I have way too many words. I need to work on that quick to listen, slow to speak thing...

What three warnings did God give concerning our anger in Ephesians 4:26-27?
1. Be angry and do not sin.
2. Do not let the sun go down on your anger.
3. Nor give place to the devil.

(#3 is corrected: I had originally written, "nor give place to bitterness"...but that was a typing error. I was looking at one thing and typed another. Although...stearing clear of bitterness is also a good idea!)

How long have you been angry? How has it affected you?

I am not generally an angry person. I doubt that anyone in my life would describe me that way. I actually hate to be mad at someone or have conflict with others, even if I might be "justified" in feeling anger. It isn't a place I like to dwell. I would rather forgive and feel restored. The weight of anger is not something I have the energy or desire to bear.

Having said that, there was a time when anger and bitterness stole my joy and weighed heavily on my heart after losing three of my babies. When Faith and Grace went to heaven, I was so desperate to have a baby to ease the ache of our empty arms. We thought Thomas would be that child. But, after receiving a fatal diagnosis and watching the life drain from my husband's face...after walking through that pregnancy and leaving the hospital without our baby again, grief came...and then anger.

For a good year, I was angry...not at God, or Tim...just angry. Angry that my babies weren't here. Angry that I had to feel this horrible grief, again...still. Angry that other people could have babies and I couldn't give that to my family. Angry for all that we had lost, angry for the joy that had been stolen from something that should be happy. Angry that other people could have baby showers and celebrate. Don't get me wrong...I didn't begrudge them their joy...I was just angry that I couldn't experience that joy. And...some of it wasn't really anger as much as hurt. It just hurt...so much.

What makes you most angry about your loss?

I don't recall feeling as angry, I guess, but more hurt. It has been thirteen years since we said goodbye to our baby girls and eleven since we last held our Thomas. So, I certainly am not angry now. I was angry for awhile over what we were missing, but that was many years ago. I remember one day, on the floor of my bedroom, I cried out...pouring all of my bitterness before the Lord and He began to lift that burden. He healed and restored that broken place....making beauty from the ashes, as He has done so many times in my life.

I have felt some anger, or not even really anger...but at least questioning, with the loss of my mother. She suffered so terribly. It was unspeakably horrible to watch. There are still nightmares sometimes. In my dreams, I feel as if I should have been able to stop her from dying. Even though, I know that isn't' true. Somewhere inside, I am still not O.K. with her death. I don't understand why she had to suffer so much, and leave us so early. At the time, I couldn't feel God's presence, couldn't hear His voice, couldn't see Him comforting and carrying her as I kept promising her He would. I felt deserted. I believe He was there...but only by faith. I couldn't see or feel the comfort of His presence during that hideous time of darkness...the way I did with Faith, Grace, and Thomas.

Sometimes, as irrational as it is, I'm even a little angry at her for leaving me here. And, I know that sounds juvenile and crazy. But I miss her desperately. And there are some things that only she would understand, relate to, enjoy, or care about. No one knew me like she did and no one loved me like she did. (Yes, I know I am dearly loved by the beautiful people in this house...and for that I am grateful.)Her absence alters the rest of my life. Every holiday, every birthday, every amazing thing that my kids do...everything is different without her here. It's not that I don't go on...and enjoy life...and live life. It isn't that God isn't here comforting me. I am living...and He is comforting. But the ache of missing her does not leave. And the myriad of emotions regarding her suffering and her passing are still very powerful.

The study asked that we chart our anger responses to:

Ourselves...

After losing the babies, I felt some disappointment, regret, and maybe anger with myself, I suppose. It was unreasonable, but I felt as if I had somehow brought this sorrow on my family.

I regret not cherishing every moment with my mom, not taking her to the ocean one more time, I regret the years I spent letting anger come between us.

I am angry with myself that I have struggled with many things lately...that I have let myself go in many ways...choosing to eat unhealthy...that I am disorganized. Really, I'd like to just stop listing now.

My response...disappointment in myself, eating for emotional comfort, withdrawal.

God...

I don't feel angry at God, but I have felt hurt and forsaken. Feeling forsaken, left, unloved...that is something I have battled throughout my life.

When I feel this way with the Lord, I practice avoidance. I withdraw under layers of something that I can grab quickly for comfort.

After mom suffered and finally went home to heaven, the hurt was so intense, I couldn't pray. My prayers consisted of choking sobs of "I'm sorry God...I just can't...it hurts too much." My pastor reminded me that that was still prayer. God welcomes us and even longs for us to come to Him ...just as we are...broken and full of hurts and needs.

Eventually, I could talk to Him again. But, He still recognized my choking sobs when there were no words.

Others...

I pull away first...and if I'm close enough to the person emotionally, there may be a verbal venting.

How did your partner respond to losing your child?

After losing our children, my husband withdrew emotionally. He retreated so far emotionally that I wondered if he would ever come back. And, it looked like at one point, he may not. I think it also intensified his feeling to protect our family from the things that he did have control over. Loss of control and fear was an issue for both of us.

God has beautifully healed and restored that time of brokenness. There are not words to express how precious it is to me...seeing the fruits of God's healing in our marriage and in the heart of my amazing husband. A beautiful, lasting love was born from that pain. It is a gift I cherish everyday.

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This question stopped me in my tracks...

Is there anyone with whom you are still angry?

Yes...

Although God has brought about much healing and forgiveness in my life and my family, I am still angry, and hurt by a few people in my life. The answer surprised me. I didn't expect to have powerful feelings of hurt and anger rise up at the asking of that question. Some of it has to with our losses...and some of my anger has to do with other things.

As I've pondered over the past couple of days, trying to come to terms with all these feelings and their source, it seems a couple common themes emerge.

The people I am angry with or feel hurt by have disappointed me. They have not met my expectations. You could say that my expectations were justified. (And indeed, I don't expect a great deal from others...just mostly myself.) After all, certain people should support you, show love to you, should be counted on to carry your burdens with you, and "hold your rope" so to speak. When they don't, it hurts.

So...theme one boils down to unmet expectations.

Theme two would be feeling forsaken, left, deserted.

Pictures flash through my mind...

...of the eight-year-old girl standing on the porch as my dad drove away in his red Mazda...

...the mother who cried out in prayer to her heavenly Father, for her baby girls night and day...now hearing only silence as the snowflakes fell outside the window, welcoming her baby girls to the world they had already left...

...the same mother standing in the hallway, looking out into the pouring rain, wondering how she would say goodbye to another baby, while the only sound she could hear was the hateful voice whispering in her ear, ringing through her mind, "Where is Your God Now?"...

...the same girl, this time a daughter... watching helplessly, standing beside her Mother's bed as she writhed in agony and wasted away. Stroking her mother's hair, she tearfully spoke promises of truth from scripture, all the time wondering where on earth her (heavenly) Father was...until the day He came to take her home...and she realized she would have to stand without her mother...

I have felt forsaken...again and again. But is it true? Does feeling it make it so?
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Here is the truth about unmet expectations and feeling forsaken. Expectations almost always set us up to be disappointed. We place expectations on other people based our own ideals. They may not have the capacity to meet that expectation, and should be accepted as they are. We think a father, grandparent, sibling, spouse, child, etc. should act a certain way. We are hurt when they do not. I have found that there is great freedom and peace when I free others from my expectations of them. They need not fulfill some role in my life. I can love them because Jesus loves them and He will enable me to love them, too. I can take my hurts and my needs to Him to meet and not the person who is unable or unwilling to meet them.

Thus says the Lord:
Cursed is the man who trusts in man
And makes flesh his strength,
Whose heart departs from the Lord.
For he shall be like a shrub in the desert,
And shall not see when good comes,
But shall inhabit the parched places in the wilderness,
In a salt land which is not inherited.

Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
and whose hope is the Lord.
~Jer. 17:5-7

And, I suppose this is the reason it's so hard for Christians to talk about feelings like anger. We are uncomfortable with those feelings, because we know what we're supposed to do. We are supposed to forgive, to turn the other cheek, to show love. We are not supposed to let a root of bitterness form in our hearts, keep a record of wrongs, think selfishly, etc.

So, how does all of that fit together...anger and forgiveness?

Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as Christ forgave you. ~ Eph. 4:31-32

We are to put away anger and forgive. How does that look, anyway? I don't know the answer to that. I think that although I do have some feelings of anger, and even more just feelings of hurt... when I think of certain incidents with some of the people in my life, I do not feel as if I'm trying to dwell on those feelings. I have tried to give them to the Lord, to pray for the individuals. When they are before me, the Lord has enabled me to display grace and even love. I do not feel that I am holding bitterness in my heart. Sometimes I feel anger and hurt, but that is not a place I dwell. Does that mean I haven't forgiven? What will it look like when I have? Will I not have those feelings anymore? What can I do in the meantime?

What I think, and correct me if I'm wrong, is that we have to practice forgiveness. We have opportunities to forgive..to show love and grace. It may not come all at once. But, we can continue to give all of our hurts to the Lord and allow Him to work...to comfort...heal...forgive...and restore. In time, maybe the feelings with catch up.

At the same time I am wondering how forgiveness can be achieved when the hurt remains...

I also wonder about the feeling of being forsaken.

Does feeling it make it so?

People have left me...that is true. Whether through their own choosing, or through death, I have been left behind. I'm sure we have all experienced that in some way. But, what of God? Has He forsaken me? He is sovereign. So nothing that happens to us comes without His knowledge. While He doesn't send sickness, death, or sorrow...He could have prevented it. He could have spared my mother the terrible suffering. He could have knitted our children together perfectly. He could have. But, He didn't. Does that mean we are forsaken?

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

As it is written:
"For Your sake we are killed all day long;
We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter."

Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. ~ Romans 8:35-39

The truth is that we are never forsaken...and that nothing separates us from His love for us. Not even the things we don't understand.

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The study asks us to list our "what-ifs" and " if-onlys". I listed a couple above, but I just can't say anymore about that. It is a place I don't wish to revisit.

I appreciate the scriptures shared from Psalm 139, reassuring us that our children's lives were and are in God's hands. Their times were in His hands.

Faith's, Grace's, and Thomas' frames were not hidden from You,
When they were made in secret and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
Your eyes saw their substance being yet unformed.
And in Your book, they were all written, the days fashioned for them...
~ using Psalm 139:15-16 (with our children's names inserted)

And the same is true for my mom...

And the same is true for me...

And the same is true for you...

We are in His hands. And, regardless of my hurts...there is no place I'd rather be.

Blessed is He whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord, his God. ~Psalm 146:5

Threads of Hope ~ Lesson 3

2010-03-03T21:44:00.000-08:00

Walking With You is an outreach of Sufficient Grace Ministries, led by Kelly Gerken. We are a group of mothers who have lost a baby or child. We gather together from different places on our journey, each month to share our stories, to encourage, and pray for one another as we walk this path together. Our hope is that you will be comforted when you join us here...and maybe that we can offer some grace for the journey as we look to the Lord for comfort and strength.

This month for Walking With You, we will be going through the Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy Bible Study for the next nine weeks. Even if you have not joined us previously, I hope you will join us for this. All are welcome. My prayer is that it will bring hope and much-needed encouragement to hearts that are grieving.

*Because a lot of material will be covered in each study, you may share as much or as little as you wish about what speaks to you. You may answer every question on your post, or just choose one particular concept or scripture that spoke to you. Share as little or as much as you are able.

I'll admit, I was a little disappointed that there weren't more participants in last week's study. It seemed like there was so much enthusiasm about starting it. (I am grateful to those of you who did participate, though!) And, I hope it was a blessing to others, even if we didn't hear from you. I know how busy everyone is. Believe me, I'm giving up much-needed sleep so that I can just get this post up! If you missed last week, you can still join in anytime...or just comment if you don't wish to post. We appreciate the input and encouragement, too! If you do post, don't feel like you have to cover everything in the study. It is a lot for a blog post. Just share what you wish. O.K....I'll get off my soap box, now. Please just know, that you are always loved and welcome here...to come as you are.

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We begin this week's study with Joseph's father receiving the news of his son's "death". His expression of grief in Genesis 37:31-35 is heart wrenching and raw. He tore his clothes, refused to be comforted, wept, and said that "he would go down into the grave with his son".

I can relate to this. Looking back on my own initial grief with Faith and Grace, I am met with images of myself wailing in an unrecognizable voice from the deepest pit of my soul. It is a blurry image without details...just mind-numbing sorrow. Beyond reason sorrow. And one word of denial shouted above it all..."Nooooooooo...". I can even remember fleeting depths of pain so great that I did wish I could join them...not that I would have taken it into my own hands. But, my longing for them was so great and the pain so intense, I felt desperate for relief...desperate to be where they are.

I love Joseph's response to his brothers who had wronged him terribly:

Joseph said to them, "Do not be afraid, for am I in the place of God? But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive. Now therefore, do not be afraid; I will provide for you and your little ones." And he comforted them and spoke kindly to them. ~ Gen. 50:19-21

There are things in life that are hurtful...things meant for evil that God is able to use for good, in order to save many...to comfort many...to heal the hearts of many. We need not be afraid, because our Comforter will carry us and provide for us.

With Faith and Grace, I could relate more to Joseph's father with regards to my grief response. But, with Thomas, my response resembled that of Job. Not that would hold myself up as a Job or even say that I am in his league of displaying faith through suffering. But, his response resonated with me often during my own walk through that dark valley. As far as Job's wife goes...yes, I have seen others turn away from God in the face of grief, instead of toward Him. It is a common response.

I took comfort in the book of Job, often, as we processed the news that Thomas would not dwell long with us on this earth. I wrote a prayer the night we heard the words "incompatible with life". At the end of the prayer, I had scrawled Job 13:15 and Job 1:20.

Job 13:15
Though He slay me, yet I will trust Him.

Job 1:20
"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
And naked shall I return there.
The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away;
Blessed be the name of the Lord."

I studied Job...wanting to know how to do this...how to survive it...how to find hope in the midst of it...how to please God even with a shattered heart, as we walked this path. It gave me comfort to see that the people of the bible struggled with the same things that I did.

Job 3:25-26
For the thing I greatly feared has come upon me,
And what I dreaded has happened to me.
I am not at ease, nor am I quiet;
I have no rest, for trouble comes.

It also brought me great comfort that God noticed, acknowledged, and understood my sorrow. It is stated that through all of Job's suffering, he did not sin. He was overwhelmed, wanted to die, agony tore at him, and he even questioned God. Still, he is counted as faithful. I needed to know that feeling overwhelmed by grief, wondering why, not joyfully skipping through this pain was not wrong. Feeling all of that...not loving the suffering... didn't mean I wasn't faithful.

Walking this journey with Thomas, I learned about blessing God in the giving and in the taking away. For in both, He is good...He is faithful...and He is worthy of our praise. It is a precious gift.

I also love how God restored Job's losses...and blessed him greater in the end of his life than in the beginning. Oh...His promises are perfect and true.

The next section shares on the steps or stages of grief. I encourage you to read this, especially if you are newly walking this path. It does help to understand what you are feeling, and what you can possibly expect to feel. There is also a place to list the major events and losses you've experienced. I'm not going to list all of that in this post...but I will say...God has carried me through many losses and trials, redeemed and restored much that was broken and taken from me, and He has healed so many hurts. Much has been taken...but much more has been given. And, for that I am grateful.

I leave you with some instructions for us and some promises from our faithful God...

Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen. ~ I Peter 5:6-11

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Threads of Hope ~ Lessons 1 & 2

2010-02-24T17:50:00.000-08:00

(You'll notice we have a new button linking directly to this page. I loved Abigail's button, and it was really hard for me to change. Danielle designed this one to match our new look. So thankful to both of them! Eventually, I may transfer all old posts to this page. For now, you can find links to previous Walking With You posts at the bottom of the sidebar to the right.)

To read previous posts on Walking With You, please click here: Walking With You.

If you are new to this site:
Walking With You is an outreach of Sufficient Grace Ministries, led by Kelly Gerken. We are a group of mothers who have lost a baby or child. We gather together from different places on our journey, each month to share our stories, to encourage, and pray for one another as we walk this path together. Our hope is that you will be comforted when you join us here...and maybe that we can offer some grace for the journey as we look to the Lord for comfort and strength.

This month for Walking With You, we are starting something new. We will be going through the Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy Bible Study for the next nine weeks. Even if you have not joined us previously, I hope you will join us for this. All are welcome. My prayer is that it will bring hope and much-needed encouragement to hearts that are grieving.

*Because a lot of material will be covered in each study, you may share as much or as little as you wish about what speaks to you. You may answer every question on your post, or just choose one particular concept or scripture that spoke to you. Share as little or as much as you are able.

While many of us have shared the stories of our babies, and how we came to be walking this path in previous posts, some may be joining us for the first time. So, we'll take a moment to introduce ourselves and our glory babies, here. I am Kelly Gerken, wife to Tim, and mother to five children. Three of them dance in heaven's glory, while two of our sons are still perfecting their dance here with us. You can read more about our Faith, Grace, and Thomas here.

I like the introduction to this study...the example of the granddaughter expecting this beautiful quilt as a gift from the grandmother she dearly loved and trusted. What she received instead, was not what she expected. It wasn't a beautiful quilt at all, but what looked like a pile of rags, incomplete pieces of what she hoped for...a picture of broken dreams. How could her grandmother do this to her? The questions, the betrayal, the feeling of being deserted, forsaken, unloved...the bitterness, sorrow and pain swirl in her heart.

I think most of us can relate...

Lesson 2

1. Where do I go to find out the truth?

I asked the doctors countless questions...
Searched the internet for cures, procedures, information...
For the twins, I read my Twin book...for Thomas, I called doctors, nurses, friends...

But most of all...I prayed and devoured Scripture, knowing that nothing in this world would be able to deliver us from what we were facing. God alone was able to carry our babies and to carry us. I am not just saying that because it seems like the right answer. I wish I could say that I was strong, and that's why I knew where to turn...that my faith never wavered. Not true. It was desperation that drove me to His Word in the dark of night. My bible is still stained with the tears. I did know where to turn, but it wasn't my strength that brought me there. It was my weakness, my desperation, and the knowledge that God was our only hope.

Psalm 19:7-10 reminds us that His way is perfect...His testimony is sure..

His ways are "more to be desired than gold".

Beautiful truth...that's what that is.

II Timothy 3:16-17 reminds us that "all Scripture is given by inspiration of God...so that we may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work".

Every good work? Even this?

Yes...even this.

2. Where does life come from?

Love the verses in this section...

In Genesis 2:7, we find God breathing the breath of life into man.

In Psalm 139:13-16, we are reassured...that we were covered in our mother's womb, and so are our babies...that we are known by our Creator.

verse 16 is speaking to me especially tonight...
Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
and in Your book they are all written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.

Even before we existed, we were known by our Father. Before we walked this path, He knew we would be walking it. Before our babies existed, He knew every moment that they would live on this earth and in heaven. None of it happens without His knowledge.

Isaiah 46:3-4 has brought me comfort in the darkest valleys. Oh my...the tears that fall when I just hear those words.

He will carry me...
He will carry you...

He upholds us from birth...
He carries us from the womb...
He made us, He bears us...
He will carry and deliver us...

Even until old age...even until cancer steals life from us or someone we love, rare birth defects claim our children, even until our very last breath...He will carry us.

Why was my baby too weak to live?

I'm not sure the importance or relevance of this question. I understand the point of the lesson in John 9 is to say that it was not his parents' sin that caused the man's blindness. He was just born blind, but through His blindness and healing, God was glorified. There were some notes in the margin of my bible on the part where Jesus made the mud and saliva mixture and put it on the man's eyes to heal him. The words were from my Pastor and said, "sometimes we have to go through it first, before we can see". Sometimes, we have to take the steps before He shows us the way. Sometimes we have to walk through the fire before the healing rain.

Obviously this verse speaks to me:
My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness.
~ II Corinth. 12:9

Sometimes, we are not spared the pain, sorrow, sickness, or death. Sometimes, we have to walk through it, trusting that His grace is sufficient to carry us.

4. Where is my child now?
Many encouraging scriptures here, reassuring that our children are in heaven. I'll just share one of my favorites.

...to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord. ~ II Corinth. 5:8

As soon as we pass from this world to the next, we are with the Lord. No waiting in limbo. His promise is secure. If we are His, He brings us immediately to Him upon our death.

Also...love that David worshipped the Lord in the midst of his grief after the loss of his child. (II Samuel 12:15-23)

The quote at the bottom of this page touched my soul to the core, and I instantly wept.

But past faith and belief, I knew quite overwhelmingly that she herself- her soul- still was. ~ Sheldon VanAuken, A Severe Mercy

We talk about faith and belief. We say that we trust the Lord...that we know where we are going when we die. Our place in heaven is secure because Jesus died for us and now lives. We rest in that hope. But it is something all together different to actually rest in that hope...to actually believe when we don't see...to place our faith in Him when all we can physically feel is a canyon-sized void in our hearts and the emptiness of our arms. The word faith takes on a whole new meaning then.

5. Can I ever understand WHY?

Interesting question. It has been many years since I said goodbye to my Faith, Grace, and Thomas...a teenage lifetime in fact. I'm not really a "Why?" asking kind of girl when it comes to questioning God. I suppose I asked a couple times, if not consciously, somewhere deep in the pits of my grief.

I did ask why, wondering if it were something I had done...not physically to cause this...but some sin that had caused me to fall out of His favor. Was there some lesson we needed to learn? Did we not have enough faith? There are many lies Satan whispers in our ears in the darkness. His favorite for me, is to whisper that I have been forsaken by my Father...that I don't measure up spiritually or in any other way. While it is true that on my own I do not measure up, it is a blatant lie that I have been forsaken. I am covered in grace by the blood of Jesus, and my Father will never leave me or forsake me.

I don't think "Why's" are very fruitful, although I would never blame someone who is asking "Why". After all, if we never asked why...how would we ever really have faith. If it all just came easily, then it would be nothing for us to trust. If we could see all of the answers, it wouldn't be faith at all.

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. (Heb. 11:1) It's all about believing without seeing. He promises never to leave us...He never promised to tell us the answer to "why?".

Isaiah 55:8-9 reminds us that "His ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts are higher than our thoughts". It's not always for us to understand...just to trust in Him.

6. How can God help me deal with losing my baby?

The Holy Spirit was sent as our Helper and our Comforter. He has met me in the dark sea of grief over and over, reassuring with His living Word, squelching lies with His truth, and filling me with His grace, revealing the depth of His love and faithfulness. Not only did God comfort me with His Word and His presence through prayer, but he sent my friend Ginny to walk with me.

Great verses of truth shared in this section. This post is way too long for me to type them out. (And quite frankly, the words are blurring together as I type!)

Also love the verses shared from Romans talking about how "hope does not disappoint".

Thanks so much for participating in this study, even if it's just to read along with those who post. Please take the time to visit and encourage each person linked here. You may post on your own blog and link your post to the MckLinky below. If you do not have a blog or do not wish to post, you may also particpate in the discussion on our Facebook page.

It may take me a few days to get to those who link...need to focus on some other important ministry and family needs for the next few days. But, as soon as I'm able, I look forward to walking with each of you...

In His Grace,
Kelly

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Upcoming Threads of Hope Study

2010-02-23T22:00:00.000-08:00

To read previous posts on Walking With You, please click here: Walking With You.

If you are new to this site:
Walking With You is an outreach of Sufficient Grace Ministries, led by Kelly Gerken. We are a group of mothers who have lost a baby or child. We gather together from different places on our journey, each month to share our stories, to encourage, and pray for one another as we walk this path together. Our hope is that you will be comforted when you join us here...and maybe that we can offer some grace for the journey as we look to the Lord for comfort and strength.

This month for Walking With You, we are starting something new. We will be going through the Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy Bible Study for the next nine weeks. Even if you have not joined us previously, I hope you will join us for this. All are welcome. My prayer is that it will bring hope and much-needed encouragement to hearts that are grieving.

We will be starting the Bible Study on February 25, 2010 and will continue each Thursday for a total of nine weeks. The first week in the book is where each member tells their story. Since we've already done that on Walking With You, we will start with Lesson 2 on our first session. If you are joining us for the first time, though, please share some of your story in the comments on this post or leave a link to a blog post telling about your child.

A little preparation is needed to get ready for each Thursday's post. First, you will need a Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy Bible Study book. There are a couple ways you can get one.

1. They can be ordered here: www.lovingandcaring.org

2. One of the sweet authors, Gwen Kik, emailed me that they are willing to share their book online for free! You can click here to download it to your computer: Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy. Thanks Gwen!

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A few people have been emailing me with questions about the Threads of Hope Study we are beginning this Thursday, so I thought I'd do a little post giving instructions.

This week, since we may have some newcomers, we should give an introduction of ourselves and our babies in the first paragraph. Keep it short and maybe post a link to your baby's story if you wish to share more. That way we can delve into the second lesson, (since most participants have already shared their journey in depth on the previous Walking with You posts. See the bottom of the sidebar for links to those posts.) Please read the Threads of Hope Lesson One and Two and answer the questions in Lesson Two in a blog post. Then link your post on the MckLinky at the bottom of my post here on the Walking With You site.

There are actually a few ways you can participate:

1. Post your response to each lesson on your blog and link to the Walking With You Post on this site.

2. Go to our Facebook Page and post your lesson responses in the discussion board which will be posted each Thursday, as well.

3. Leave a response in the comments of each post.

If you have any further questions, please email me or leave a comment here. We will be posting all future Walking With You posts on this page. I am so looking forward to this study and praying that many will join us and find comfort as we walk together.

As always, it is an honor and privilege to walk with all of you...

In The Storm...The Beginning of Walking With You

2010-02-23T17:10:00.000-08:00

Originally posted on June 12, 2009...

Tonight my sweet friend, Dawn Marshall from Marshall Photography met with my other sweet friend, Toni (and me) to do a photo shoot for our upcoming blog button for the yet to be named support project we are starting on June 15th! It had been a gray drizzly day, raining lightly off and on. When the time came for our little shoot, it started to pour buckets of rain.

Of course it did. At first I thought, what is going on? What a disappointment that the rain would increase in strength as we met to take pictures. I heard thunder rumbling as we huddled under our umbrellas (which incidentally each had their own unique imperfections: mine had pokey things sticking out, Dawn's had a big hole in it, and Toni's was lopsided. And, yes...I'm sure there are metaphors in that observation.), while I apologized profusely. The children of these two sweet mamas huddled together in their vehicles as the ran splattered down the sides and into the waiting mud puddles.

The rain poured. The thunder rumbled. And we walked in our cute shoes through the mud puddles into a dark alley that said Do Not Enter, while we huddled and shivered under our umbrella, gingerly navigating our steps to avoid more serious potholes. And, it struck me. The beauty of it. The realization that our God was still in control even as the rain poured. It was no accident that the skies darkened and the rains came down. The mud puddles, the foreboding alley that Dawn had suggested as our location. No accident. My original idea was two friends walking down a lovely tree and flower-laden path. How inappropriate that would have been. How unlike the message that we really meant to send. How not representative of walking together through the stormy paths...through the dark sorrow of grief. Through the valleys. The point of what God has laid on our hearts is that we are willing to walk with you through those dark painful places...and not so much that we are willing as that our God is willing. He is willing to walk with us...and places that desire in our hearts to do the same.

And that walk, it's no flower-laden path. It is a dark alley with old jagged concrete, filled with mud puddles and Do Not Enter Signs. Dark and foreboding...if we look with our human eyes. That walk is not for the faint of heart. It is the nitty gritty stuff of life and death, loss and hope, pain and healing, sorrow and joy. It is a bitter cup that one day becomes a soothing sweetness to your soul, but for a time breaks you into pieces. And, on that walk, it's unpredictable. The rain pours. The tears flow. The mud rises. That's what we see, at least.

Internally, the Lord is working. In the place we cannot see with our eyes, the heart is being shaped and mended, formed into a more beautiful instrument of love and grace than it was before we took that walk. Inside, our soul is being healed and filled up, even as the rains fall...even as we feel poured out and empty. When all we see are ashes, He sees the beauty that will come from them. When we behold the darkness before us, surrounding us, smothering us...He sees the light that He will shine in those dark places.

There are moments on that walk when we feel we cannot go on. Moments when a friend comes alongside us to point us again to the One who sustains us. A friend to lift us in prayer. A friend to allow us to lean on her as she leans on Him. A friend, who is not afraid to walk through the valley in the rain, with a storm mounting. She is not afraid, because the Lord is her strength and her shield. She is not afraid because she doesn't walk alone.

And because He has walked with her through the valleys and the storms, He has sent her to walk with you. And He will carry you both through the rain, through the storm, through the unknown dark alleys to secure, dry ground.

Whether you are a newly bereaved mother or a seasoned mom who has watched the Lord make beauty from ashes in her life. Whether you need someone to lean on or you are the shoulder that can bear the burden, we hope you will walk with us as we are walking with Him. We hope you will join us with our broken umbrellas, with all our little quirks and imperfections in our various stages on this walk, as His grace washes over us in the pouring rain.